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Writer's pictureNicka

Police warn posh children to choose their drug dealer carefully



Police have warned children to be on the lookout after a 13 year old purchasing cannabis was offered ultra processed foods. A man, calling himself Gregg, approached the girl, who was yelling through the letterbox of her dealer, and offered her a tin of spam.


"This young person was going about a perfectly normal midnight cash drop at her skunk dealer’s flat when a man she had never got high with before tried to offer her canned meat."


Police are concerned that the incident might lead to an epidemic of otherwise healthy juvenile weed addicts washing down their drugs with processed nuggets.


“It is imperative that we apprehend this individual before UPFs wreck the middle class. In the meantime, we urge parents ensure their wealthy offspring limit self-harm to traditional methods, like chuffing a fat one for breakfast. Instead of falling for the ruinous effects of cereal.”


Once a well-off child has started to regularly consume cereals, it is very difficult to break the habit, said the officer, who, on a personal note, related that he had once caught his own son dabbling in packaged cakes.


The man offering the spam said the young girl could have the first can for free, and that if she liked it he could deal her more cheaper than the Aldi’s price promise. He also offered inducements such as a free sachet of salad cream. Police are yet to make an arrest, but say that Gregg’s hoodie reeked of preservatives, emulsifiers, and Solihull.




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