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Primrose Hill Park fenced off to keep out uncool people

Council officials in north London say it’s become necessary to fence off Primrose Hill Park, after finding increasing evidence that uncool people have been using it.

”We found wrappers of high street chocolate bars, with a cocoa solids content of considerably less than 70%,” said one official. “There were also beer bottles not from artisanal micro-breweries, and a half-eaten sandwich containing pork that clearly wasn’t pulled, and avocado that wasn’t smashed. The bread wasn’t even sourdough rye or brioche.

”There was even a cinema ticket for a mass-market American film at some sort of establishment called an “Odeon”. To be fair, I doubt they even show arthouse films by “auteur” directors with exotic surnames, so what choice do the poor wretches have?”

The official admitted all this litter had been put in a bin, as it should be, but said that wasn’t the point - it was clear the “wrong sort” of people had been using the park. Moreover, a visit during opening hours only confirmed the scale of the problem.

”Everywhere I looked there was sportswear not bought at lululemon, bikes that weren’t fixed-wheel, and dogs that weren’t labradoodles, cockapoos or pomchis. There was even a mummy who was far from yummy, and didn’t have one of those strollers you can jog with. We really need to put that fence up right away, before house prices are affected.”

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