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Schools forbidden from using pronouns until kids learn verbs

Government guidance will make it impossible for children to socially transition if they have not mastered basic grammar and arithmetic. Said the Schools’ Minister: ‘You cannot expect primary students to distinguish between ‘he’ and ‘she’ if they cannot spell dog or cat. No one gets to be transgender until they can tie their own shoelaces.’

A recent study showed that most confusion over pronouns was due to the fact that no kid under thirteen knew what the f$ck a fronted adverbial was. Students will now be banned from using alternate toilets until they have learnt to wash their hands, wipe their own arse and work the fancy hand dryer.

Under the new plan, Teaching Staff will not be expected to use gender-based pronouns for students if they have religious objections or they cannot spell themselves. ‘Parents need to be part of this process because £10 says they think pansexual is someone who likes skillets. He/She/They – it’s all meaningless if you can’t hold a pen properly. And anyone caught transitioning behind the bike sheds will be put in detention and made to write out their pronouns and all 81 genders - in Latin!’

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