With England in the Women’s World Cup final, administrators in Edinburgh, Cardiff and Belfast have dusted off Cold War era playbooks to avoid being drowned by a wave of English jingoism and smugness.
One Northern Irish official complained 'The plan needs updating as the last time England were in a football world cup final, the moon landings, colour TV – and the Troubles – were still all future events.'
A Scottish civil servant suggested annexing Berwick-upon-Tweed whilst no-one was looking, adding 'Normally, an England flag hanging from a bedroom window, means racists live there. But the smugness of English middle class men who lie that they have “always followed women’s football actually” is almost more insidious.'
The Welsh government denied another English request to "borrow" Gareth Bale pointing to several reasons he might be ineligible.
England play Spain in the final, with the winner getting Gibraltar.
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