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Secret Tory election campaign says if you vote Labour you will catch gay

Ahead of the next general election, the Conservatives are already laying the groundwork to dissuade the electorate from voting for other parties. The campaign is called Stop The Votes.

Downing Street spokes-fiend Bernard Hythe-Bonner said, 'Well, we've not won many friends in recent years, so few people trust us to continue in government. All we can really do is have a bit of a giggle petrifying as many as possible into believing anyone else they're thinking of voting for would be even worse than us.

'To that end, shady overseas targeting companies have been slipped millions in taxpayer funds to identify the most gullible members of British society, sneakily drip-feeding them outrageous untruths via their social media about opposition parties and their politicians.

'It is all absolutely legal and above board for us to do this,' continued Hythe-Bonner. 'Partly because our Democracy Research Group ensured there are no specific laws preventing us from knowingly fabricating lies and saying whatever we want, and partly because we've performed a little dentistry on the Electoral Commission, if you know what I mean.

'The worst they can do is fine us £70,000, which is actually an incentive for us to conduct the most heinous electoral fraud we can concoct. The way we see it, that's a pittance to pay to ensure we are victorious again at the next election. We'd be fools not to.

'When online, the most pliable-minded will be exposed to untraceable material which scares them with messages like: "If you vote Labour, you will catch gay", "Keir Starmer was Jimmy Savile's butler", and "A vote for Labour is a vote for tofu eating wokerati who will force you to install gender neutral toilets in your own home".

'Of course, all toilets in people's homes are already gender neutral, but as long as people are still furious about immigrants coming over here and being all immigranty, then they're not being furious about us raiding the public purse for our own private helicopters.'

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