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SledgehammersЯus announce largest ever government order

A Polish company that specialises in making sledgehammers has been awarded the largest contract ever for the manufacture of a sledgehammer from the British government.

The proposed sledgehammer is said to be three times the height of the Empire State Building and will be used to stop migrant boats, however a Newsbiscuit reporter has learned from a post-coital conversation with a worker from SledgehammersЯus that in order to meet Tory cost-cutting targets, the sledgehammer specification requires it to be made from polystyrene foam, rather than cast iron and carry safety warnings to reduce the risk of anyone being harmed by it.

Popeye Marine Ltd, a UK company that had been hoping to win the contract to operate the sledgehammer, say they lost out to German company ßlüto whose worst brat threw in a free ticket to a volksmusik polka concert with a fag and pint photo opportunity with Nigel Farrage to clinch the deal.

French markets are said to be doing a roaring trade in sexy nut outfits that migrants will be wearing for the crossings.

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