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Take Back Control regulation sees return to supermarket aisles full of musty old people food

Foreign-o-phobia, the shunning of anything European with flavour, coupled with a war-time-style economic implosion, has granted Brits the opportunity to experience empty-shelf bliss.

In response to Take Back Control (TBC) regulations, supermarkets across the nation have ditched absent fresh produce in favour of the wonderfully bland and preserved cuisine our grandparents enjoyed.

Brexit Benefit Lobbyist, Melvin Dust, proudly showed some shufflers around the UK's flagship TBC Supermarket in Slough. 'Our top marketeers have cleverly expanded the aisle no one ever went near, to every other part of the store. Naturally, we have spruced up the branding with the Brown Rosette Logo, and labelled the entire range of food available throughout as 'Pantryfare'.

'As you enter the store, gone are those ghastly foreign fresh fruit and vegetables with all their vibrant colour and nutrients. In their place are tins of Processed Peas Mixed With Broad Beans. You know where you are with beige and grey.

'Those in search of something special, perhaps during the Christmas season, will happen upon an exclusive little bucket from which to pluck Pickled Artichoke Anuses.

'Where you might've found the butcher and fresh meat aisles, this area is now brimming with 12 varieties of Spam, Corned Beef Pre-treated With Salad Cream, Brain's Faggots, and massive jars of Tripe.

'The next 14 aisles contain tins of Unspecified Mushed Fish, Slimy Whole Raw Chickens in cans, and Angel Delight.

'All baked goods are now replaced with shiny-coated Harvest Festival Bread, for display purposes only. And where the delicatessen counter was, you'll find premium priced items like Bramble Bush Thorn Jelly, Sprout Syrup, and Whelks in Whelk Juice.

'Breakfasts, snacking & grazing, and desserts have all been simplified into one handy shelf of Spreading Pig-Treacle. Cleaning products are all replaced with Prune Juice. And since medicines have become unavailable, that whole section is just Vinegar and Brown Paper.

'Ah, now this is our most glorious innovation. We've worked tirelessly on this and called it the Lucky Dip Barrel. It's all novelty pots containing 'Extract of Something'.

'And finally, we come to everyone's favourite part of the store, the alcohol section. Drink it in, my friend... it's wall-to-wall Nettle Wine.'

image from pixabay

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