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UK government finally works out what woke means

Landmark case rules UK government must pay out £Billions to anyone who is woke

A bunch of nutters who have been pretending to run the United Kingdom for 13 years have just clocked what the word woke actually means. Having frothed and fizzed for over a decade about how woke people are all so terribly awful, someone actually checked, and there has been somewhat of a panic and a fair bit of hasty backtracking.

'Do you think anyone noticed?' said whichever imbecile is in charge of the nation's Education this week. 'I've been slagging off wokes full tilt for years with as much venom as I can muster. But it turns out that woke people are actually the ones who are absolutely on it, and the ones everyone respects.'

'We've been backing racists and pursuing policies misogynists prefer, but I am now informed that they are the ones we should be locking up,' added the Minister for Equality. 'Who knew racists were the bad ones?'

'Some law people did some lawy stuff,' shrugged the Minister for Justice. 'Woke people have been "grossly misrepresented" by the UK government, apparently. So now each woke individual is owed £480,000 in compensation. But the taxpayer will definitely fork out for all of that. What? Our own words and actions? What the f*ck does personal liability mean?'

'Don't worry, there are only 39 million people who are woke, so it won't cost us too much personally,' piped up the Chancellor of the Exchequer. 'Do you know who I am? I do those number thingies, me.'

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