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USA absolutely not going to Hell - says Hell

A Press Officer for Hell, yesterday, provided a robust response to Donald Trump’s statement that "the USA is going to Hell”. Spokesdemon, BL Zeebub, stated that it’s “absolutely not going to happen. We have enough challenges already processing the growing daily number of migrants over the Styx, without taking in a country of 330 million, as well".

“That is not to say that there aren’t some specifically skilled migrants who would be more than welcome, which is why we operate a points system. However, we can’t deal with as many in one go - people would be queueing for months and the extra fire required would certainly blow our carbon targets".

"No, as much as Mr Trump, himself, would be a good fit, both with our corporate culture and the décor, we cannot deal with an infestation of Americans. This would surely lead to a reduction in service for the current inhabitants, which would be totally unfair to the many who’ve signed up to eternal punishment.”

Mr Trump was approached for comment but said he didn’t speak to the “Fake News Media, let alone the Fake Fake News Media”.

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