A strange phenomenon has been appearing across the UK – woolly postbox toppers. They are produced by an invisible army of secret knitters, and no one ever sees these pillar box hats being put into place, they just materialise as if by magic.
Using sophisticated surveillance equipment, we managed to track down one of these ninja knitters. Nita Scarfe lives in a tight knit community in Cardigan Bay. She began making postbox toppers to keep herself occupied after a series of failed relationships.
Nita said, “I had a boyfriend who was very romantic, we went everywhere hand in glove. A lot of what he said was just arran nonsense though, I would often find myself knitting my brows trying to understand his woolly thinking. Needles to say, the relationship began to unravel. I said to him ‘Let’s get down to the knitty gritty - I’m not going to waste my time listening to you spinning a yarn, you won’t cashmere doing that.’ He then started to get abusive, but I’m a black belt in crochet, so I socked him in the face.
“Soon after that I met someone else. He liked a laugh, and often gave me a good ribbing. He was a heavy drinker though, he was always tying one on, and he kept trying 2-ply me with alcohol. Then I found out he was just after my money, he wanted to fleece me. I said to him, ‘Stop right there, ewe can’t pull the wool over my eyes. Get knitted!’ Then I cast him off.
“After that, I dated someone who worked in cabling. Hats off to him, he was a great guy, but he had some mental health problems. He said he was afraid of fluffy sweaters - I think he was angoraphobic. Unfortunately he died, because he was a jumper – he threw himself off a tall building. I miss him, but I’m sure we wool meet again in Heaven, at the purly gates.”
Nita sighed sadly, and said “I seem to follow a pattern of failed relationships, it really gives me the needle. So I’ve decided to stay single, and just concentrate on cheering other people up with my knitting.”
Nita’s next project will take a lot of balls (of wool). She’s planning to knit a bobble hat for Big Ben.