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Your December Horoscope, by Toxic Meg



Aries: You will soon receive a surprise visit from a bearded man who climbs down your chimney. Those b@stards from British Gas will do anything to gain access to fit a prepayment meter.


Taurus: While enjoying Christmas dinner with your family later this month, a question may catch you off guard. When your drunken uncle asks, ‘Do you want stuffing?’ be careful how you answer, as there may be a hidden meaning.


Gemini: Due to Tory cuts, you will only be visited by the ghosts of Christmas presents.


Cancer: There’s someone special you’ve had your eye on all year, and a festive gathering could provide the perfect opportunity to finally make your move! Now would be a good time to get yourself a new outfit and practise your chat up lines – if it weren’t for the fact that on the eve of the party, your genital warts will suddenly spread to your face. It looks like you’ll be staying at home and pulling your cracker by yourself - again.


Leo: Uranus will be unpredictable this month. What else can you expect after eating so many brussels sprouts?


Virgo: After the written warning you received from the HR department last December, it’s probably best not to take any mistletoe to the office Christmas party. Mistletoe is a delightful festive tradition, but where you hung it last year was inappropriate. No one wants to kiss you under there.


Libra: There won’t be any surprises when you receive Christmas presents from an elderly aunt, as she buys the same gifts every year. Still, you can never have too many socks, ball gags or butt plugs, can you?


Scorpio: The sun in your sign encourages you to invite all your friends and family to Christmas dinner at your place this year, and dazzle them with your culinary expertise. I’m sure they’ll be really impressed when you serve them turkey and stuffing flavour Pot Noodles.


Sagittarius: This month, you will receive a lot more post than usual. No, I don’t mean Christmas cards – just letters from all those credit card companies who have finally discovered your real name and address.


Capricorn: Although forward planning is not normally your strong point, this year’s festive preparations will be less arduous than usual, thanks to a decision you made several months ago. You knew you were right not to take down your Christmas decorations last January!


Aquarius: Congratulations. Your conduct at the Christmas party will be more dignified than in previous years. For the first time you will actually pull someone who is not related to you by blood.


Pisces: It shall come to pass that a bright star will appear in the sky, above a stable; and therein shall lie one who sleeps in a manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes, surrounded by animals.


Well, it will make a nice change from waking up in a police cell, like you usually do after you’ve tied one on at Christmas.


Hat tips go to:

SteveB – Gemini

sydalg – Aquarius.


Images: OpenClipart-Vectors & InspiredImages – Pixabay.



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