PoliticsBiscuit
Lord Ashcroft to appear on Secret Millionaire
Channel 4’s hit reality show ‘The Secret Millionaire’ is to feature its biggest give-away yet, with the surprise appearance of Conservative Deputy Party Chairman Lord Ashcroft.
In the show, the millionaire benefactor visits an ailing political party and restores it’s fortunes by pumping in millions of pounds. ‘He was amazing’ said Dave, a community worker, ‘he turned up, took a look at the shambles we had got ourselves into and slapped £4 million on the table just like that.’ ‘We just couldn’t believe our luck,’ added George, a trainee project worker, ‘Good old Mr Ashcroft. He’s a real life saver.’
Brown aide’s death was ‘assisted suicide’
A junior administrative aide to Gordon Brown who was found dead in a pool of blood with electric shock burns to his genitals was merely a case of ‘Assisted Suicide’ under the Government’s new definition of the law it was ruled today.
Cedric Simpson had only been working for Mr. Brown for a matter of weeks when his body was discovered in the Prime Minister’s Office last month after what was described as a ‘vigorous’ meeting between Prime Minister and Alistair Darling.
Kingdom United faces administration
European Premier League side Kingdom United could be the first high profile club to enter into administration after talks to avert a winding-up order collapsed in the high court earlier today.
Advisers acting on behalf of HMRS say the team could be just days away from going out of business altogether. A recent run of poor results, claims of mismanagement and dressing room unrest has left the troubled team languishing at the foot of the EU table and struggling to fulfil its fixture list.
‘I have never kicked a nun in the shins’ says Gordon Brown
In a rather disappointing interview with Gordon Brown today, the Prime Minister claimed to the surprise and possibly even dismay of many MPs that he had in fact never kicked a nun in the shins, despite claims to the contrary in a new book called ‘Politicians, and Members of the Catholic Clergy Whose Shins Have Been Injured By Them.’
‘I have never, ever kicked a nun, especially not in the shins’ he said. ‘When I get angry, I lose my temper with myself, kick my own shins, and throw newspapers in a fury of anti-press vitriol.’ When asked if he had ever thrown a newspaper at a nun or her shins, he replied hesitantly that he had acted ‘In the heat of the moment’ but that he ‘didn’t hit her’.
