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Cameron ‘passed the port to the right’

New revelations about David Cameron’s student days claim that he ‘wantonly’ passed port in ‘an anticlockwise direction’.

An unnamed source, now a High Court Judge, described an occasion when Cameron allegedly attempted to fill his glass, despite being on the wrong side. ‘Naturally, I enquired whether he knew the Bishop of Norwich – this being the most direct way a gentleman may point out such a faux pas – but Cameron persisted in topping me up. With port I mean, not the other thing’.

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Extremist Corbyn’s vile hobby: collecting trade union memorabilia

The Labour Party sank to a new low today, and virtual civil war broke out on the opposition benches following revelations about the sick and depraved hobby of very, very, left-wing leader Jeremy Corbyn. The socialist demagogue who seized control of the Labour Party earlier this month following a so-called ‘landslide election’ now looks less electable than ever as it was revealed he liked to collect little enamel badges from various trades unions down the decades.

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Media rounds on Corbyn for not having sex with pig

The new Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn came under fresh pressure this week as it was revealed that at no point during his student years did he take part in the normal student high-jinks that do so much to endear modern politicians to the British electorate. Downing Street yesterday accused Jeremy Corbyn of being ‘too much of a socialist puritan’ in his youth to have even done the normal harmless stuff, like for example, enjoying having sex with a severed pig’s head.

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SNP to replace daylight savings with ‘borrowed time‏’

Scotland’s First Minister has rejected David Cameron’s insistence on a shared British clock and has proposed a move to a system where by the Scots, under cover of darkness, could sneak south of the border to ‘steal the women folk’. Nicola Sturgeon warned the Prime Minister that his days of a united approach to timekeeping were numbered or at the very least ‘moving from imperial to metric’.

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Europe urged to take more desperate Labour ex-front-benchers

They packed up and left in the middle of the night. Some of them barely had time to tweet their indignation before grabbing what limited personal belongings they could carry and heading South East.

By dawn the camps had sprung up near Dover, desperate ex Labour Front-benchers and their aides huddled together waiting for the traffickers who would take them to the continent and a new life, away from Corbyn, somewhere safe.

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