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Petting, bombing and diving to be legalised by UKIP

In an attempt to broaden the appeal of their manifesto, UKIP are set to legalise petting in public swimming baths. Other policy initiatives include an amnesty on library book fines and a very slight reduction in the cost of the TV licence.

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UN asked to intervene in Obama-Cameron ‘bromance’

US and UK set to veto any end to 'relations'The UN has been called upon to act ‘swiftly and decisively’ amid worsening affection between Barack Obama and David Cameron at the Whitehouse last week. Public decency is said to be in tatters after lurid scenes of togetherness between the US president and his ‘bro’ were aired on prime-time television with no warning. Rumours that Cameron referred to Obama as his ‘homie’ are mercifully unconfirmed.

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David Miliband to seek re-election as his comedy alter-ego Ed

'a joke can go on for too long'Popular stand-up David Miliband has confirmed that he will once again be seeking re-election in the guise of his bumbling comic creation ‘Ed Miliband’.

‘I see that Al Murray made the headlines yesterday when he announced that his ‘Pub Landlord’ character will be standing against Nigel Farage, but I’ve been doing it for years’ chuckled Miliband. ‘I came up with the idea for a comedy younger brother years ago. He was a kind of imaginary friend when I was growing up, and when I went into politics it just seemed like a funny thing to try, and for some reason it caught on and I’ve been doing him ever since.’

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God, Allah and Jehovah struggle to agree on live TV debate format

...and what about the Zoroastrians?Despite increasing strife between their respective followers and the impending Judgement Day in which the sheep may or may not be separate from the goats and the unbelievers may or may not be cast into the eternal pit of fire, it has emerged that God, Allah and Jehovah are still unable to agree on the format of their long-awaited live TV debate.

The main bone of contention is said to be whether or not other gods should be included, while there have also been calls for a separate debate to the north, where Odin is seen as a serious contender. Jehovah, a jealous god, has refused point blank to appear on the same platform as Ba’al or Marduk, while Allah insists that no other gods can take part in the debate because they don’t exist anyway.

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UNISON to form coalition with ASLEF

we'll keep the blue flag flying hereThe largest public sector union, Unison, has agreed on a coalition with the Associated Society of Locomotive Engineers and Firemen (ASLEF) to address Conservative party proposals that a 40% threshold among union voters is required before any industrial action can be taken.

‘Without the extra support from ASLEF we simply wouldn’t be able to make a coherent, less-than-majority case to the public for shutting down public services,’ said Dave Prentis, leader of Unison.

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