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Food banks ‘too big to fail’ warns think tank

UK food banks have become so large and interconnected they cannot possibly be allowed to fail claims an independent think tank. Writing in The Economist, Bank of England Chairman Mark Carney agreed with the evidence put forward by the policy researchers, saying he thought they had got it spot on.

Food distribution centres are now such an integral part of government policy it is unthinkable what would happen should they be allowed to go under said Carney. ‘These banks are at the heart of the nation’s service industry, employing thousands of people and serving millions of customers across the UK. They can be seen on every high street and shopping mall and have come to represent everything this government stands for’ he added.

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Santa followed into houses by Iain Duncan Smith to check presents-to-bedroom ratio

all present and correctSanta Claus will have an unexpected follower through the skies this year as Iain Duncan Smith plans to visit every house in the UK on Christmas Eve. Using his back-of-a-fag-packet algorithm, the Work and Pensions Secretary will be calculating the present to bedroom ratio and removing gifts from those that have a spare room.

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Army called in to take charge after all Premier League managers sacked

should be all over by ChristmasThe government’s emergency committee, Cobra, was hastily convened and concluded that the only viable option to get the league back on track and reassure the general punters was to bring in the troops.

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Revealed: Osborne’s valet ‘running the economy’

Carry on, GeorgeIn a frank interview with the Economist, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, loveable upper-class scatterbrain George Osborne has revealed that the British Economy is in fact being run by his unflappable Manservant, Smedley.

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Miliband row worsens as Daily Mail reveals Ed’s aunt ‘failed to watch boat race’

she's probably the sickest woman in British politicsThe acrimony between the Daily Mail and Labour leader Ed Miliband is set to worsen after the newspaper published allegations that his aunt Emily ‘failed to watch the 2013 Oxford-Cambridge boat race’, substantially reinforcing its argument that the entire family hates Britain and wishes us all dead.

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