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‘Look, can we all just focus on the poverty?’ says Brazil

it's only a gameBrazil has come out united in the fact that it’s the country’s disgraceful levels of poverty and inequality we should all really be focusing on.

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Government orders inquiry into why cover-up did not work

'Have they gone yet?'George Osborne has commissioned an immediate inquiry into why the cover-up of alleged child abuse by high profile Westminster figures did not work.

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Savile ‘may have been adviser to Cameron’

Details were emerging last night that Jimmy Savile may have been even more revoltingly criminal than anyone had previously imagined. The latest allegation is that he may have ‘advised’ David Cameron. A police spokesman said: ‘This simply beggars belief and will be hard to bear for the victims, of which there will be a staggering number.’

Cabinet Office officials have admitted that Savile may have been granted unfettered access to dead or dying government policies. He was known to have an abnormal interest in ‘going over figures’, and liked to visit the Treasury where many differently-abled individuals were being cared for.

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Chilcot report on Hundred Years’ War delayed again

some correspondence still to be redactedThe long-awaited report by the Chilcot inquiry, set up in the wake of the Hundred Years’ War, which ended in 1453, is now unlikely to be published until next year, it has been revealed. The inquiry, which has been sitting for 561 years, was set up to examine the legality of the decision to go to war in 1337 in order that lessons could be learned and future foreign policy blunders prevented.

‘I am confident my report will soon see the light of day,’ said Sir John Chilcot, now aged 617. ‘The British public deserves to know the truth about why their fourteenth-century ancestors were led into war, and whether this decision was compatible with the Magna Carta.’

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Ed Balls denies involvement in slow motion car crash

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls has strenuously denied any responsibility for a slow motion car crash taking place in Westminster.

Mr Balls was summonsed by Labour Party authorities to explain why he did not report the accident, which began when passenger Ed Miliband seized the wheel from his brother David in 2010, causing the vehicle to lurch awkwardly all over the place.

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