Jedis disappointed with new ‘energy-saving’ lightsabers

Jedi knights have expressed anger at plans to phase out traditional lightsabers in favour of new, more environmentally-friendly models.

‘These new lightsabers are rubbish,’ complained Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. ‘They take ages to light up and when they do you can barely see anything with them.’

The energy saving directive has been issued by so-called ‘Galactic bureaucrats’ and is seen by Jedis as particularly galling since many of their enemies on the dark side have so far refused to sign up.

‘What’s the use in having an environmentally friendly lightsaber,’ asked Kenobi, ‘when Sith Lord Darth Maul can still prance about with his energy guzzling double headed model? And don’t get me started on his carbon footprint. Have you seen his airmiles?’

‘I refuse to switch to these new low energy sabers,’ said a typically petulant Luke Skywalker. ‘By the time they’ve reached full brightness you may have already had your hand chopped off by a man you didn’t even realise was your own father.’

However, intergalactic environmentalist George Monbiot disagrees. ‘The old lightsabers may look impressive but they are very energy inefficient. Jedis need to appreciate that The Force is a finite resource and that we need to conserve it – at least until we develop environmentally sustainable solar wind farms.’

To avoid the ban many Jedis are already stocking up on the old style sabers. ‘Sales have gone through the roof,’ said saber merchant Jabba the Hutt, ‘as have many of the Jedis when they refuse to pay my exorbitant asking price.’

The directive is the latest in a long line of new rules and regulations emanating from The Galactic Republic. ‘Only last month they ordered us to fit all our equipment with silencers,’ whined Kenobi. ‘It doesn’t make saving the universe any easier when you also have to run around humming your own lightsaber noise. And while we’re on the subject, I absolutely refuse to move over to Imperial.’

‘Political correctness gone mad, it is,’ added Jedi Grand Master Yoda. ‘Environmentally friendly we must be, but green I am already.’

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Tories annual piss-up in brewery cancelled after Boris forgot to send out the invitations

'You couldn't bloody make it up, could you?' shouted Sir Dudley Farquhar the long-standing member for Dungeness West since 1867.

'It was all jolly straightforward. We had the brewery booked, which, by the way, was a dashed decent venue. The white burgundy order was delivered on time and dear Priti laid on a troupe of recently evacuated Afghan dancing women. We had Michelin star catering, with canapés and rare Ormskirk truffles.

'Then, of course, Captain Chaos gets involved, and everything goes to hell in a hand cart. The silly arse forgot to send out the invitations. For any self-respecting Tory, missing out on a piss-up is a crime against humanity. To my mind, he's too easily distracted by the interfering covid boffin Johnnies. He needs to get his priorities right. I've already sent my letter of no confidence in the bungling idiot to the higher echelons of the influential 1622 committee.

'Frankly, I can't remember such a useless politician since a chap called Boris Johnson wished the Taliban a merry Christmas when he was Foreign Secretary.'

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Could lockdown ruin moment in the sun for reserve crockery?

Plates and glasses that would never normally see the light of day – even your Faliraki 2009 plastic tankard – are gearing up for their annual moment in the sun. But since Boris Johnson promised to save Christmas, everyone assumes it will be as ruined as last year when an undercooked turkey turned your bathroom into a biohazard.

The Festive period carries great risk as well as great reward for your spare spoons, however. When people rummage through drawers for a spare container for cranberry sauce, they may discover other items they no longer need, like a bread maker, the dystopian spectre of bourgeois consumerism, extra egg cups or the military-industrial complex.

Amy Armstrong said, ‘I didn’t know we had a spare ladle. Bin it, we’ll get another one in the sales.’

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