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Jihadists are just pranksters



Amid accusations of a sorority pledge gone too far, ISIS have threatened to ruin Fresher’s week. Complained one initiate: 'Hazing rituals have got so extreme that we have to strap bombs to ourselves just to meet forty virgins; or the girls of Delta Kappa Gamma as they're called.'


Distinguished alumni include a pile of unidentified body parts smelling of Semtex. Not everyone is willing to meet the suicide entry criteria, as 'Chuck' – a jihadist spokesman - explained: 'Anyone can pledge themselves, but they have to pass rigorous tasks including swallowing goldfish, kidnapping a team mascot and raining death upon the infidels of Beta Phi.’


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Clairvoyant Trump: 'Orange Jumpsuit clashes with my complexion'



Posting on Lies Social, former US President and full time photonegative of a clown, Donald Trump has allegedly predicted several unusual things including his own arrest. Critics have likened him to Mystic Meg, 'but only after she'd had a couple of sherries'.


Trump has predicted that he would be arrested and also predicted there would be civil unrest as a result. However it has emerged that he took the precaution of having committed lots of crimes and deliberately fomenting his rabid, inbred base to riot.


Notably, Trump failed to predict that he would look like a satsuma whose best days were behind it.


Conservative commentator Clementine Carruthers screamed 'Prosecuting someone for crimes they've definitely committed sets a dangerous precedent, when what the US really needs is a dangerous President.'





Banks: F**k around meets find out



With less oversight than a FIFA spa day and more dirty practices than an OnlyFans account, the banking sector is awash with unethical activity. The result has been repeated crashes and more short selling than a cub-scout jumble sale.


As capitalism teeters on the edge of armageddon and the last season of the Walking Dead, bankers play Russian roulette with our savings. Confessed one banker: 'I'm sooo bored. Do you think people would notice if I set everyone's head on fire?'


One bank collapse could trigger a domino effect, where the last legal tender will be Monopoly money. The banker said: 'Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Now excuse me, I need to stick this fork into an electrical socket'.





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