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Distressed Howler monkey accuses Ed Sheeran of plagiarism


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Lawyers representing a constipated Howler monkey have accused Ed Sheeran of ‘sampling’ some of his greatest works. Mr Sheeran’s lawyers insist screeching and yelping are the hallmark of most popular music. They also point out that the lyric ‘Ooh girl, we had a love so strong’ appears in 97% of all songs ever written.


Speaking to reporters Mr Sheeran said: ‘It was just an innocent mash-up. I need no sympathy. I’m easy come, easy go. Little high, little low. Will they let me go?’


In opening remarks, Mr Sheeran’s lawyer said ‘He’s just a man whose intentions are good. M’lord, please don’t let him be misunderstood.’


The Howler monkey is in talks to host GB News.



MI6 to recruit 1,000 unemployed steel workers


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For a country still balls-deep in austerity, the UK has magically found millions of pounds to invest in false beards and pens that shoot lasers. This is great news for any steel worker from Port Talbot who wishes to retrain as spy. Any P45 can become 007 through a simple induction process of making love to a mysterious Russian agent and killing an assailant with your thumb.


An MI6 spokeswoman insisted: ‘We need the extra staff to protect the UK from violent extremists hell-bent on destroying our democracy – Jeremy Corbyn isn’t going assassinate himself you know’.




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