Government to carbon date refugees

Having proposed x-raying migrants' teeth, to determine their age, the next logical step will be to cut them in half, in order to count their rings. There will be censures for dentures, a grilling for fillings and restrainers for retainers. A spokeswoman explained: ‘Teeth x-rays are far less controversial than giving them a tattoo or fetching star-shaped badge. Refugees need to be cute, blue-eyed and with a voice of an angel. Disneyesque preferably. Our MPs like them young. Although now is probably not the time to talk about accusations of historical abuse.’

The British Dental Association insist that radiographs cannot accurately determine age, but a mouth filled with gold filings, fetid breath and a decomposing morality - is a sure sign you are a Conservative minister.

www.newsbiscuit.com

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Man found guilty of not understanding jewellery

Bow magistrates court has sentenced David Redding, 34, to four months community service after he pleaded guilty to not understanding jewellery. 'I get women like to wear earrings,' he said after the verdict, 'but don't understand why they have to have more than one set,' he added. His girlfriend, Jemma, made a complaint to the police, who ironically put the bracelets on Redding, when he failed to buy her jewellery for the fourth consecutive birthday since they moved in together. 'A spray can of WD40 for my creaking cupboard doors just doesn't cut it, I was like 32 and everything,' she said to reporters.

Redding was also convicted of not understanding female clothing sizes. 'I always assumed the number related to the weight in stones,' he said, admitting his one token attempt at buying Jemma a dress backfired disastrously. 'OK, I'm not very good at guessing weight either,' he admitted, pleased that the sentence was to run concurrent with the first one.

A third charge of not understanding colour coordination was dismissed when Redding offered his colour blindness in mitigation. He left the court sullen, dressed in a grey suit with brown shoes and red socks. 'I'm not really colour blind,' he admitted after the verdict, 'it's just what was next in the wardrobe and in my sock drawer.

image form pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Zelenskyy on mercy mission to Britain: 'Ukraine will help in any way we can'

The globally admired and highly respected Ukrainian Premier Volodymyr Zelenskyy met with someone not even respected by his own hand-picked fawners.

'It is so sad what is happening to your country at the moment,' said Zelenskyy.

Still having a glorious giggle at pretending to be the UK Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak proudly showed some special grass to Zelenskyy which wasn't brown from all of the shit flowing through England.

'We will do whatever we can to help. We've already supplied a Eurovision Song Contest to the UK, but you somehow managed to fuck that up as well,' continued the straight-talking Ukrainian leader, doing more to level up the North in one moment than five consecutive Conservative governments.

'After we have defeated Vladimir Putin and ended all of your excuses for why your economy is worse than Russia in wartime, we will show you how to quickly achieve sustained growth and economic stability for Brits with a simple revolutionary plan of joining the EU.'

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com