top of page
Search

Many chipped dogs still running on Windows Vista


Owners who failed to update their dog’s software report their pets forgetting basic commands and often becoming frozen in mid-jump. One grieving owner said: ‘My dog suddenly ran out into traffic. I called out to Tyson to ‘stop’ but he seemed to have trouble processing instructions. Just as the lorry hit him everything just went blue, with the phrase ‘fatal system error’.’


Commented one disgruntled teenager: ‘I was hoping for an Xbox for Christmas and all I got was this Puppy 1.0. It comes with an annoying polyphonic yapping noise and doesn’t even have the flea-bytes of the Rover 3.0. Apparently, I’ve got take it for walks? It’s like someone turned a fitbit into a real dog’s dinner.’


Despite the legal requirement for all dogs to be chipped, only 9% of owners saw it as priority, whereas 86% agreed it would be ‘handy’ if cats came with WiFi. An RSPCA spokeswoman said: ‘While it’s cruel to force any dog to upgrade to Windows 10, if your pet is running on Windows Vista it should be destroyed under the dangerous dog’s act and as a simple act of mercy.



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























Goon Show recordings to be used to train an ever-growing elderly workforce



With research showing that British workers are increasingly likely to work into their 70s, corporations have been faced with the problem of keeping their workforce up to speed in an ever-changing technological environment and have turned to technology for solutions.


Fortunately, Goon Show recordings of Henry Crun and Minnie Bannister still exist and with the benefit of AI, their voices can be used to explain to elderly workers, the changing expectations their employers have of them.


The ghost of Spike Milligan told Newsbiscuit via a medium who was able to contact Mystic Meg and Spike in a three-way Zoom call, that if Newsbiscuit had been aware was going to take place, would have offered its podcast facilities to assist with, that the reason Spike invented the Henry and Minnie characters was intended to reduce the pension age rather than extend it.


Mystic Meg's ghost advice, was that she never bought a lottery ticket herself, and if the British people had any sense, they'd follow her example and could afford to retire at 66.






'Hang 'em high' - Charles gets tough on pledge refuseniks



Pro-Royal tabloids are pre-furious about the imagined cabal of 'commies, lefty lawyers, the BBC and the EU' not wanting to pledge allegiance to Chuck 3 and all his descendants - even though it isn't the middle ages any more.


'It's heads on spikes time and no mistake.' said one royalist, who separately confirmed that they owned every available piece of Union Jack or royal-branded crockery and also had a huge problem with self-loathing. 'Why won't they prostrate themselves in front of their lord, master and better, their King and rightful overlord?'


As solid gold hat day approaches, the frothing tabloids are competing to have the highest number of pages in their coronation pull-out sections.


Meanwhile, governments across the world are queueing up to (re)join the British Empire, with one saying 'It went so well last time, what could possibly go wrong?'




bottom of page