Pro-Royal tabloids are pre-furious about the imagined cabal of 'commies, lefty lawyers, the BBC and the EU' not wanting to pledge allegiance to Chuck 3 and all his descendants - even though it isn't the middle ages any more.
'It's heads on spikes time and no mistake.' said one royalist, who separately confirmed that they owned every available piece of Union Jack or royal-branded crockery and also had a huge problem with self-loathing. 'Why won't they prostrate themselves in front of their lord, master and better, their King and rightful overlord?'
As solid gold hat day approaches, the frothing tabloids are competing to have the highest number of pages in their coronation pull-out sections.
Meanwhile, governments across the world are queueing up to (re)join the British Empire, with one saying 'It went so well last time, what could possibly go wrong?'