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8m Brits on antidepressants, the rest yet to meet Boris



In the past 5 years, over one million new patients have sort to alleviate the darkness that is Boris Johnson. Said one depressive: 'I didn't know what bottom was, until I saw the side of that Brexit bus. I just spiralled into misery, just like one of his wives.'


With his constant lying and disregard for human life Boris has much in common with Big Pharma. But while rhe devastating side effects of Prozac are well-documented, they cannot be worse than listening to Boris joking in Latin.


Sadly, with Sunak and Starmer voters will still need medication and a very stiff drink. Said one: 'Boris taught me that sober is not an option. Which ironically was also his motto for staff parties during lockdown.'






PM replaces flying monkeys with frickin’ lasers


Up until now the UK has relied heavily on its own natural defences – London rental prices, bad teeth and the threat of Boris Johnson being fired from one of his own water-cannons. But the new £30m prototype laser weapon will help transform Downing Street into a lair that any super-villain would be proud of.


It is still to be seen if PM will give up her traditional broom and maniacal cackle, but close advisors say she is relieved to have Halloween off. The PM would no longer need to puff up like an adder, but would still vulnerable to ‘bucket-based’ water attacks.


The first of these laser weapons will come into service in the mid-2020s - just in time for our Robot Overlords to make use of them.




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