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Crimes by opposing MPs to cancel one another out



The House of Commons has a well-established established tradition of MPs ‘pairing’ – if they fancy a day off they can agree to bunk off together without affecting the outcome of any votes that day.


Under new proposals the scheme will be extended to actual crimes.


‘We didn’t think it was fair that Keir Starmer was allowed to have curry in Durham when poor Boris couldn’t even host a modest bacchanalian orgy’ sobbed one Tory. ‘OK, the dates didn’t match up so that one wasn’t, technically, a crime for Keir. All the same, we’d like some reciprocity on police investigations’.


Conservative MPs have long been keen on criminality, but with some justification.


‘The job doesn’t pay anywhere near what we’re worth’, one source told us. ‘Politicians in other countries do this far more efficiently than us. We just want to bring the UK up to Nigerian standards of governance. We call it Levelling Up’.


Labour have agreed to consider the proposals but draw the line at violence.


‘That’s a pity’ said one Conservative. ‘I quite fancied my hand at serial killing. Psychopathic tendencies, multiple residences, a job which doesn’t require one to actually turn up – it’s an almost perfect match’.






Magazine stuns reader by having just one suggestion on how to improve…



A weekly magazine noted for regularly suggesting 10 ways everything can improve, has disappointed some of its readers today by suggesting a paltry single way.


Reader Gladys Pugh from Chiswick said she felt cheated after spending two quid on the magazine in the hope of learning ten things that would improve her life but only getting one said “It’s inflation gone mad! It used to be 20p per suggestion, but now it’s costing ten times as much.


Her husband, Richard Pugh, also from Chiswick at the time this article was written, is the magazine editor and pointed out that as every idea they publish invariably entails purchases, having just the one suggestion is what people need in a cost of living crisis and he intends to ensure his writers focus on brilliant suggestions for how his wife can improve her life by visiting the pound shop.


“I had to take action after last week’s edition had ridiculous suggestions that ended up costing three hundred quid we don’t have to spare.” he said “The last thing we needed was ten more suggestions for arguments.”






"Piltdown Man fiasco was nothing, compared to this" say archaeology deniers



Archaeologists who discovered a bone comb among other artefacts around what had been believed to be a Roman mausoleum in London who had previously said it adds proof to the suggestion that ancient Roman remains were used to make hairdressing equipment prized by the Vestal virgins, have been embarrassed by the revelation that the supposed mausoleum site was previously owned by TilesЯus, a kitchen and bathroom supply business, established in Victorian times, but whose premises were bombed in WW2.


The painstaking work of assembling mosaics from the tile fragments was brought into question after a TilesЯus catalogue was discovered by an archaeology student in a British Library vault, displaying what the original tiles looked like when they were intact.


“It was a pure stroke of luck,” said Richie Croesus, the student. “I opted to help out with the dig so I could work on my tan, when this bird from the British Library turned up and asked if I wanted to see some etchings she had access to. We had barely started bonking in the British Library vault, when this book fell off the filing cabinet, with pictures of the very same tiles we’d been trying to assemble into a mosaic.”






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