The House of Commons has a well-established established tradition of MPs ‘pairing’ – if they fancy a day off they can agree to bunk off together without affecting the outcome of any votes that day.
Under new proposals the scheme will be extended to actual crimes.
‘We didn’t think it was fair that Keir Starmer was allowed to have curry in Durham when poor Boris couldn’t even host a modest bacchanalian orgy’ sobbed one Tory. ‘OK, the dates didn’t match up so that one wasn’t, technically, a crime for Keir. All the same, we’d like some reciprocity on police investigations’.
Conservative MPs have long been keen on criminality, but with some justification.
‘The job doesn’t pay anywhere near what we’re worth’, one source told us. ‘Politicians in other countries do this far more efficiently than us. We just want to bring the UK up to Nigerian standards of governance. We call it Levelling Up’.
Labour have agreed to consider the proposals but draw the line at violence.
‘That’s a pity’ said one Conservative. ‘I quite fancied my hand at serial killing. Psychopathic tendencies, multiple residences, a job which doesn’t require one to actually turn up – it’s an almost perfect match’.