Trump cold-calling nations, with promises of cheaper car insurance

The White House admits outsourcing the Presidency to a low budget contractor. His call-centre manager, Chuck, spoke of his frustration: 'Instead of sticking to the agreed script, Donald just rambles on about time-shares in Mexico. China has already complained that the President-elect got their pizza order wrong. He’s already broken protocol by heavy breathing on the phone to Taiwan, which he thought was actually 'Miss Taiwan'.’

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Normal Person not deliriously ecstatic that a bad politician is being held to account

A normal person with a balanced view of world was shouted at because they were not jumping around screaming in delight when a terrible person faced just reprimands for their horrible actions.

She is puzzled by the cries of 'Why aren’t you joyful? You said he was awful, and you have been proved right, why aren’t you dancing around letting off party poppers?'

She replied by stating, 'I am genuinely upset that my government had allowed this charlatan to get to the highest position in the land, a role which they were clearly unsuitable for. I am embarrassed by them and gain no pleasure in recognising my country is seen as a joke.'

'Dance!' was the reply.

A frothing, red faced mob participant followed up with 'I can’t understand it, I would be going mental if someone I hated got their comeuppance. I’d buy a hat and everything.'

At time of press, it is still unclear if the individual was from the UK or the USA.

US presidential candidates allowed to give age in dog years to avoid sounding too old

Washington has finally found a way around the problem of the embarrassing number of octogenarians jostling to become the next resident of the White House. With assistance from the American Kennel Club, each geriatric candidate has been assigned a new canine age.

Congressman Winthrop Stoad III of Georgia, 94, has just entered the contest as a 31-year-old. 'It helps people forget that I've been in Congress since 1948 and voted for Jim Crow laws right through the 1950s,' he explains.

However, candidate Senator Bill Wilks of Massachusetts, 38, is not happy: 'My new age is 10 and my campaign manager has just been arrested for child trafficking.'

Joe Biden is also having problems adjusting to being caninised. 'He's taking the whole dog thing too seriously,' complains one of his aides. 'I wish he'd stop barking and trying to hump my leg.'