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A Court in Malawi has granted the aging pop singer access to the twin demons of 50-something paranoia and 20-something narcissism. Having explored vitamin pills and coffee enemas, Madonna has become convinced she can stave off death by clutching two young girls to her pointy breast.


Friends fear this another embarrassing mid-life crisis, like going to festivals – often headlining – and her perverse desire to learn to play an instrument. Yet Madonna has insisted that this adoption is not just a passing fad and that her love would last the test of time - just like ‘Voguing’.



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WINNER

As the Martian War Machine rose from the cylinder, the people of Uxbridge and South Ruislip rejoiced. (from Camz)


RUNNERS UP

Audience mood about to change as band shouts "Everybody sing!" (apepper)

"All hail the giant Femidom from the sky!" (sinnick)

"Just do the finger thing. We'll get served quicker." (Camz)

'Let's sing the chorus really loud, to piss off everyone who actually likes this band!' said Toby. (Pat Ward)

More pictures emerge of Downing Street lockdown parties. (dick everyman)

Yet again,the Mexican wave had failed to launch : perhaps they should wait until after the eulogy. (FlashArry)

Socialist youth overjoyed as they flock to unburstable red bubble (mcdabble)



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