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After 20 years in charge, Tony Blair to step down as PM


Pretending to resign in 2007, Mr. Blair quickly established squatter’s rights in Downing Street and has been manipulating policy with sock-puppetry. As news of his resignation spread, crowds have begun lining the streets, armed with nooses, to mark the end of this popular era.


Mr. Blair admitted that controlling both Labour and the Tory party was almost as exhausting as promoting war and peace simultaneously in the Middle East. The Blair Decades have been described a benign – like a tumour, but without the positive connotations. Sadly critics have accused Mr. Blair of having a God-complex; although a spokeswoman admitted: ‘He's not the messiah, he’s just a very naughty c$nt’.


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Boris "may have to split like amoeba to go on reproducing", say scientists



Experts in the mating habits of politicians are doubtful whether the former Tory leader can continue procreating indefinitely. "He has an overwhelming compulsion to spread his genes", explains Richard Dawkins, "but finding a suitable partner becomes more of a challenge for a man pushing 60, especially one who seems to sleep in his suit and have his hair cut by Stevie Wonder".


Biologists have been carefully monitoring Boris's philoprogenitive ways for the last 30 years, concerned that he could eventually swamp the English biosphere with Bojo clones. "We don't know what reproductive strategy he'll try next", David Attenborough whispers, sneaking after the bicycling blond with his wildlife camera. "We've established that Tories can't lay eggs, but there's still the fission option or surrogacy".


Meanwhile, ecologists are alarmed at the news that Boris has promised his Daily Mail readers that he'll be taking a tour of Britain "to test the facilities" at the country's sperm banks.



Football team refuses to play without their own reality TV series



Plucky, non-league Havant & Waterlooville FC are said to start the season with no major transfers and a complete absence of a 12-part Netflix serial, voiced over by the lovely Sir Patrick Stewart. Said the Manager: 'Obviously it's disappointing. Pre-season training had been going so well, with the team's make-over. hair stylists and intensive Stanislavski techniques.'


The players have gone on strike until a celebrity investor or rags-to-riches narrative can be secured. Said one player: 'I didn't get into the football to kick a football around. I did it for the real-life dramas, the spin-off Youtube channel and 15 minutes on the Graham Norton Show.'


Havant is one of only three teams this season not to have its own documentary, even Luton has one - called 'The Last of Us'. It also means fans will be forced to attend games in person, one game at a time. Remarked one fan: 'I'd normally sit on my sofa and binge the whole season in one weekend.'




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