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Boris "may have to split like amoeba to go on reproducing", say scientists

Experts in the mating habits of politicians are doubtful whether the former Tory leader can continue procreating indefinitely. "He has an overwhelming compulsion to spread his genes", explains Richard Dawkins, "but finding a suitable partner becomes more of a challenge for a man pushing 60, especially one who seems to sleep in his suit and have his hair cut by Stevie Wonder".

Biologists have been carefully monitoring Boris's philoprogenitive ways for the last 30 years, concerned that he could eventually swamp the English biosphere with Bojo clones. "We don't know what reproductive strategy he'll try next", David Attenborough whispers, sneaking after the bicycling blond with his wildlife camera. "We've established that Tories can't lay eggs, but there's still the fission option or surrogacy".

Meanwhile, ecologists are alarmed at the news that Boris has promised his Daily Mail readers that he'll be taking a tour of Britain "to test the facilities" at the country's sperm banks.

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