A terrorist attack on Westminster was foiled yesterday by the swift deployment of Boris Johnson's three water cannons. Sitting astride the gun turret, Mr. Johnson hosed down bystanders and removed graffiti in what was described as a heroic display of water sports. His spokesman said: ‘Water is the natural enemy of terrorists – or is that witches? Anyway water will solve anything – except grease fires – or Mogwai – either way we should all fear Boris’ steady stream’.
If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
 |  |  |
New measures are to be implemented to deal with SUV owners that consider off roading to be going up a gravel drive or parking on the pavement with hazards on.
Each time a new owner purchases an SUV, they will be assessed on whether they legitimately require the ground clearance, massive tyres or powerful engine. If they do not meet the requirements, additional tasks will be added to rectify this or they will have a massive additional tax applied. Or both, depending on their attitude.
The result is that their phone number will be given to all farmers who can call them any time during the day to get them to drive up a hillside to bring down a dead sheep. Other jobs include taking a poorly calf to the vet, relocating manure and dragging fallen trees off roads in the rain.
Farmers are allowed to laugh at alloys cracking and stupidly thin tyres being destroyed. As the Unnecessary Sports Utility Vehicle Zone (USUVZ) is now the whole of the UK, many Scottish farmers are expected to call central London users at 3am most nights.