Through a combination of kick it and hope, and Theresa May being stuck in the changing room, Corbyn’s youngsters were able to secure a famous victory – or to be more precise a score-draw in extra-time. One animated Norwegian voter shouted: ‘Jeffrey Archer, Jeremy Hunt, Lady Diana, Maggie Thatcher - Your boys took a hell of a beating! Your boys took a hell of a beating!’
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Despite a clear warning on the invitation - 'no children' - extremist have chosen to unleash a full-throated baby on an innocent wedding ceremony, upsetting at least one tasteful flower arrangement. Emergency services responded to the noise of the child ‘going off, on one’, but were too late to prevent a tearful bride and a tense group photograph.
Brave members on the congregation had attempted earlier to disarm the distempered infant, with glove puppets and an obligatory session of ‘peek-a-boo’ – but all were soon covered with vomit shrapnel. Those caught in the blast of the ensuing tantrum, attest to hearing the child let out a scream of religious fervour – or it may have been a really big burp.
This was followed by a rumbling in the nappy region, suggesting this might be a dirty bomb. Said one spectator, covered in soot and blood: ‘What kind of monster brings a baby to a wedding?’
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Updated: Sep 26, 2023
In a staggering exclusive, we can reveal reports are circulating that feckless oddball and utter buffoon, Boris Johnson, has told the truth in what's believed to be the first time ever.
Details are sketchy but apparently the former PM (nope, me neither) was asked by a rough sleeper in The Strand, "Here, you're that Boris Johnson, aint'cha, mate?'
At first the charge was vehemently denied and it was only when the down and out offered to buy him a coffee at a nearby Starbuck's, Johnson replied, 'Coffee, eh? Spiffing. Actually, I've had no brekker and I'm famished. Fwuff fiffle foo-yee-ah. Tell you what, I'll have a Pumpkin Spice Latte with three Pain au Chocolat. And yes, well spotted, I'm Boris Johnson.'
