Nicola Sturgeon failed to pass semaphore messages to enquiry

Following a furore regarding the failure to retain WhatsApp messages sent and received during the pandemic, the Scottish First Minister at the time explained that unlike the London based government she didn't use WhatsApp for official messages and had set her phone to auto delete messages including the controversial Scottish Country dancing group, Scottish not so young bakers group and several groups related to virtual birthday parties.  All the messages have been provided to the enquiry via other respondents in each group including the motorhome group exchanges, which are being poured over by an unusually large number of researchers for reasons not yet understood.

Critics of the then First Minister have not been assuaged by the revelation that she used official channels for all formal communications and had contemporaneous and handwritten notes copied to the official files, and have asked for further evidence that she didn't pass every passing thought to the enquiry, including an allegation that senior SNP officials used semaphore as a means to pass messages they didn't want making public, despite requiring the senders and receivers needing to stand on public hilltops in Scotland in plain sight. 

A spokesman commented that flag waving was something 'Miss Sturgeon did do at the time, but not to convey messages related to the pandemic response'.

There is an underlying belief by some that the First Minister may have got around formal records requirements by relaying messages through the medium of interpretive dance, however the spokesman suggested they might be getting confused with the UK MP, Theresa May.

Image: Pixabay/Clkr-Free-Vector-Images

Divine worship with the Reverend Paula Vennells

Order of service:

The non-stipendary priest for St Owen, Bromham, Reverend Paula Vennells, will proceed up the aisle followed by a choir of Post Office lawyers clutching handcuffs and flasks of strychnine.

Vennells: Peace be with you.

All: And also with you.

Vennells: We'll see about that. We're going to start off by taking the collection, and I'm warning you thieving worms - if there's a shortfall, you're all going to prison.

While the collection is taken, a hymn may be sung or lawyers for the Post Office may issue writs to the congregation.

Vennells: The computer says there's not enough dosh on the plate. You're in trouble now.

All: The computer system must be faulty. They often are, you know - especially the ones the government buys.

Vennells: The next person who says that spends 25 years in solitary confinement.

Choir: Don't get her angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry.

Vennells: I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed.

Choir: All kneel, so we can kick you in the teeth.

During the prosecutions, the congregation will come forward to be financially disembowelled and have their reputations shredded. Appeals may be lodged or articles printed in the media, all of which the authorities will ignore.

Vennells: Depart in pieces, you miserable sinners. By the way: did you know they were actually thinking of making me Bishop of London?

Image: Pixabay/ Alexas_fotos

"Stop the boats" policy expanded to include flag ship policies

The Prime-minister has announced the expansion of his hugely successful stop the boats policy. 

"You can see the success for yourself; the number of refugees arriving by plane has shot up while the number of boats has gone down - that would only be the case if travelling a freezing cold stormy sea in a small, leaky boats was in, some way, unattractive.

"So the time is right to extend the success; I can pledge today that all the flag ship ideas will be stopped."

image from pixabay