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Wicked Witch of the West’s Flying Monkey: We're scapegoats for Ruby Slipper failures



One of the flying monkeys from the Wicked Witch of the West’s troop says he and his mistress are being "hung out to dry" to distract from Wizard Of Oz’s government’s "incompetence" on procuring personal brain, heart and courage equipment.


Writing on Golden-X, (formally Goose Twitter) Monkey No 1. said it "suits the agenda" of Dorothy and her raggle taggle band to "scapegoat" them.


The Wicked Witches of the East and West were awarded contracts to supply Ruby Slippers through a so-called "V.I.P. Yellow Brick Road".


They are now being investigated by both the Lullaby League and The Lollipop Guild.



Recently discovered giant Pliosaur not eligible for UK residency, rules Sunak



The skull of a colossal sea monster that was unearthed from the Jurassic Coast that was due to go on display today has been ruled as ineligible to remain resident in the UK. Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, ruled that whilst it may not have come here on a small boat, it still entered the UK illegally via the coast without going through the proper channels.


"Whilst the Pliosaur may pose no immediate threats to resources in the UK", Mr Sunak told us, "it is quite obvious that it gained entry to the cliff face illegally and concealed itself 150 million years ago using British soil and shale resources. We must remain solid and vigilant to abuses of the system. There is every chance that the ancient sea monster came through French waters before settling here in the UK. This is unacceptable."


Mr Sunak also mentioned that there were plenty of indigenous, British fossils that require attention, study and housing at British museums. He did not accept that the facility to apply for asylum in the UK would not be built for another 150 millions years after it's death citing that whilst waiting lists were a worry, they will become manageable in the coming months. 



Annual report card - R Sunak




Westminster School Annual Report



Name: Sunak, R





Individual Grades



Economics Grade C


Good understanding of key concepts but not so clear on the impacts. Less concerned than most about the rising prices in the Tuck Shop but when they stabilised again, tried to claim the credit. Sometimes blamed students from a rival house when his marks were lower than expected.



Environmental Studies Grade D


Didn’t always turn up for classes and appears to have a relaxed attitude toward deadlines. While he attended this year’s field trip to Dubai, he wanted to travel on his own flight rather than with the rest of the class.



Games Grade B-


Not always very participatory. Wouldn’t join in with swimming, saying his own pool was “better”. In rowing, needed to focus more on his role (as cox), rather than shouting at smaller boats trying to join the race.



Personal appearance Grade A+


Exemplary. Always neat and tidy. Even though a senior student, still appears happy to wear shorts.



Woodwork Grade C


Continues to employ tools inappropriately.


Headmaster’s summary


Master Sunak took over as Head Pupil under difficult circumstances, when the previous incumbent was sacked after using school funds for gambling. He was very clear at the start of the year as to what he wanted to achieve and I believe these results show satisfactory progress towards these ends.


R Murdoch, Headmaster


Social Development summary


Showed exemplary ability to get on with some pupils who had behavioural problems and who have since been excluded or suspended. However, unfortunately blamed our overworked but popular School Nurse for the lack of beds and the number of pupils waiting for treatment.


I R Woake, Head of Pastoral Development Team







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