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‘Not enough wars’ say arms manufacturers


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Despite a widespread feeling that 2024 has been reasonably bellicose, leading arms companies have called for governments to step up the aggression in a bid to prevent a global Depression.


“We all remember the Great Depression of the 1930s”, a spokesman said. “Ultimately that led to World War Two. So we’re trying to save lives, really. We feel that a small number of minor wars now would keep the economy turning nicely and stave off anything large and dangerous. We’re not talking about anything closer than Ukraine. Gaza is perfect – thousands of miles away and the US Government is only too happy to pay. There’s always the West Bank when Gaza runs out of, erm, terrorists”.


The ideal war involves far-off places without nukes. African wars don’t usually attract Western dollars so they’re not much use, though there are hopes that Trump might spark something involving diamond mines as he enters his ‘Elvis in Vegas’ era.


“How about the Falklands again? Only this time the USA could side with Argentina and unleash shock and awe on the Brits! Hey, that might work”, said the spokesman, frantically scrolling Google Maps. “Or Vietnam? Haven’t done that one for a while”.


Economists agree that blowing up existing infrastructure is somehow good for the global economy, though they refuse to explain why. We wouldn’t understand, apparently. Maths. Anyway, War is Good and suggestions for the next conflict are always welcome. Please send ideas to: Senatorsforhire.com




All of Birmingham and Tower Hamlets awful, residents confirm


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Residents of Tower Hamlets in east London and Sparkhill in Birmingham have reacted angrily to comments by MP Paul Scully that these places contain "no go areas" due to their large Muslim populations.


"As anyone who's been to Tower Hamlets can confirm, the whole place is a no go area," said one resident, "and for reasons nothing to do with religion.


"Take Brick Lane. Every bloody curry house has a sign saying it was voted the best in some survey or other. And they all serve watery, tasteless slop.


"Of course, none of this puts off the hipsters who love the area with its "fixie" bike shops and "artisanal" coffee shops charging £10 for a flat white - another reason it's a no go area for everyone else."


"As for Sparkhill," added a resident of that area, "if every prison in Britain released all its paedophiles and sent them to live here, their grubby hands permanently down their stained tracksuit bottoms, it would probably count as gentrification."


Meanwhile, a resident of Liverpool complained that no part of his city had been designated a no go area.


"All you southerners think 'never walk alone' is a football slogan, but in Liverpool it's just good advice."




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