MPs slam 'disgraced' former leader

MPs have lined up to express their anguish and anger over the fact that Sir Keir Starmer didn’t have a secret life. A recently elected representative (who wished only to be known as ‘AB’) said, 'I am deeply upset that someone who claimed to be a leader was not a serial womaniser or embezzler. I mean he didn’t have numerous affairs or parked an illegitimately gained motorhome outside number 11.

'We knew when we elected him that he seemingly didn’t have a dodgy past, had a good employment record outside of politics, and wasn’t high in the charisma stakes. Come to think about it, might be a factor in us winning a 2024 election landslide and destroying the Tory party.

'But that is all in the past. To our dismay we are now finding he is exactly what he purported to be. Boring! His only compulsive hoarding was some pencil sharpeners!! What we need is someone diametrically opposite to lead the Labour Party, and the nation, into the 22nd century!! Someone like me who is charismatic and err..... this is off the record right? '

Image credit: ChatGPT (edited)

Sturgeon promises Scottish military aid to Ukraine

Following the commitment of £1bn of equipment from the breakaway rebel Southern British government in Westminster, the established mainstream government in the Democratic People's Republic of Caledonia has promised to provide complementary aid and weapons to Ukraine.

A spokesman for President Sturgeon announced the details at a press conference:

'See, all this stuff from the Johnson-led gorillas? it's all medium or long range, ye ken? It's all missiles 'n rockets 'n 'things, right? But what about when ye get tae close up fightin', eh? Ye cannae be asking yer enemy tae back off 50 miles, just so ye can bazooka 'em up the jaxie. So what we're doing is providing the brave Kyivvies wi' the lethal weapons 'n trainin' they'll need for hand-tae-hand fightin'.

'First, we're invitin' a company o' Ukrainians tae come and take part in some combat readiness trainin' in Glasgee. This'll include an Orange Walk along Janefield Street, right outside Parkhead. By God, they'll need tae keep alert there, eh!

'They'll be equipped with the very same close-combat weapons we'll be shippin' tae Kyiv. These'll include the Mark XVII Broken Bottle, the 'MindYerFingers' Cutthroat Razor, an' the 'HeidsOrWindaesWhoCares' Brickplus Special

'In the unlikely event of an armaments shortage in Kyiv, we will also be trainin' the boys - as a last resort - to welcome their Russian aggressors wi' open arms.

An' gie 'em a good ol' Kyiv Kiss!

'Mon the 'Krainians!'

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 2 Jul 2022

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Lego to Replace Bitcoins

Trump rants over poor attendance at his Great State Unfair

'My Great State Fair was meant to be the centrepiece of America's 250 years of independence,' whined US Crybaby-in-Chief Donald Trump.

'It was organised by Freedom 250, a company set up by me - a businessman who has spent his entire life bilking ordinary Americans like sub-contractors out of their money.

'So why on earth didn't the whole population come to Washington to get ripped off at the my Great State Unfair's overpriced hot-dog and soda stands?' asked an irate Trump.

'Maybe because they were already getting ripped off by FIFA for beer and quesadillas at World Cup matches.

'I've got to hand it to those guys, they're good,' conceded Trump.

'After I've been impeached, I'm going to team up with them. We'll call ourselves FIFAT, and together we'll screw the world like you wouldn't believe.'

Image credit: chatGPT