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Trump to ruin Ryder Cup by attending it

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US president Donald Trump says he will be ruining the famous US versus European golf tournament by showing up to it in September. "Security will clear all the other spectators off the course while I am there, because I'm more important than them," bragged Trump. "They will also deport all the European players back to El Salvador, or wherever they come from.


"It'll just be me shouting 'Get in the hole,' while our invincible American heroes play their shots, and all the cameras will be on me because of the noise I'm making."


Donald Trump has also been telling the Ryder Cup selectors who should play in the US team and who should captain it. "People are saying I should be the team coach," he lied. "They're saying I could do wonders for the Ryder Cup players by teaching how to kick their balls out of the rough, toss them out of bunkers, and knock their contestants' balls off the green.


"I'll also be buying the course the Ryder Cup is played on using a stache of dirty money I'd hidden away from the taxman. Then I'll expel all the match marshals, so our great American sportsmen will be able to do what the hell they like.

"It will totally ruin the 2025 Ryder Cup, and kill the tournament for ever afterwards, but you have to get used to that kind of thing while I'm alive.


"Go Team USA!"




MPs to require ‘A’ Levels in bid to reduce the number of thickos in Parliament

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In a rare outburst of common sense Keir Starmer is to introduce minimum qualification standards for MPs. They won’t need to match nurses or police officers – actual professionals with a responsible job – but a minimum of 3 A Levels at grade C will help to reduce the number of no-hopers who didn’t fancy PE teacher training college. Lee Anderson’s tyre swing will go, too.


Such a move would devastate Reform, reducing it from a mighty four MPs to possibly one, a figure so low that the BBC might feel compelled to reduce its airtime to just two hours per day plus a weekly special.


Nigel Farage’s qualifications are a closely guarded secret, which suggests that they were probably a bit shit. He claims to have ‘chosen’ not to go to university, instead pursuing a City career via the gruelling route of playing a round of golf with one of his Dad’s mates. Perhaps now we’ll find out whether it was Nigel or the universities which did the choosing . . .



Jeffrey Epstein’s amazing memory

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A close associate of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein has been talking about his amazing memory.


She claims that Epstein had a photographic memory and never, for example, made a shopping list. ‘He’d remember everything. If he needed 101 things from the supermarket, he’d remember them all and wouldn’t forget a single thing. It was amazing.


‘He didn’t have an address book, because he could remember all the names and all the addresses, He’d do the Christmas cards himself, by hand, addressing all the envelopes from memory, without hesitation. He could remember all his friends’ birthdays and their anniversaries. And he’d remember the birthdays of all their kids, and how old they were. Jeffrey never forgot an eighteenth birthday.


‘His astonishing memory meant that he didn’t need to keep any contacts in his mobile phone. You could give him any name, and he’d just dial their number from memory. It was his party trick. He’d borrow someone’s phone and dial a number from memory – Donald Trump, Prince Andrew, whoever. The girls all loved it when he did that.


‘The news coverage about the so-called Epstein List makes me laugh. He would never have had a list. He would never have needed one. Never in a million years. He remembered it all in his head. No address book, no phone contacts – of course not!  He didn’t even keep his call history – he said that would be cheating.  He thought people would doubt his unbelievable memory if he kept any kind of records, so he didn’t.


‘So when Ghislaine Maxwell says that there was no Epstein List, I’m thinking ‘damn right there’s no list’.  Jeffery should have left his brain to science. Then the boffins could have worked out what made him so special.‘



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