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HMS MacGuyver


The Royal Navy is being ridiculed globally following the humiliating news that it has no presence in the Middle East. The Labour government assures us that this is being dealt with as a priority.


‘The reason we don’t have any ships in the Middle East’ explains MOD spokesman, Clive Gobbins ‘is because we honestly thought it was all sand. Lots of sandy bits and rocky bits. We’ve only just realised that it actually has watery bits. But we’re working hard now, to make our presence known.’


Before any ships can be sent out to the war zone, the MOD and the Royal Navy have several issues to address. The first is that many of the brand new ships being built are still covered in scaffolding and tarpaulin. These ships were top of the line when they were planned but are now likely to be decommissioned upon completion, due to their technology being obsolete.


There is a tiny glimpse of good news however, in that there are a small handful of ships that are actually ready to go to fight in the war right now, in terms of being ship-shape and sea-worthy.  But, unfortunately, these vessels are covered in rainbow designs and no Navy personnel are willing to take them to war because they might be seen and shot at. The MOD is frantically trying to arrange for these ships to be repainted but they have been unable to find a decorator with enough paint or time in their schedule.

Therefore some out of the box thinking has been required, as a very proud Clive Gobbins explains.


‘I’m absolutely over the moon to introduce you to the newest ship of the Royal Navy fleet. HMS MacGuyver. What we’ve done here, is we’ve taken several of the small boats confiscated from illegal Channel crossings, and tied them all together using rope and gaffer tape.’


Arms on the HMS MacGuyver include a machine gun stuck on the front and "Very bright torches" to blind the enemy with.  Defences include paddles to "Bat away" any incoming enemy fire and a "Very handy emergency ejection system" where the occupants basically fall over the side. 


We asked Mr Gobbins why the MacGuyver does not fly the Union Jack. He answered 'Originally it was supposed to have a small flag pole for the flag but it punctured the rubber body of the vessel.  A valuable lesson - it's why the HMS MacGuyver also comes with a puncture repair kit'


The HMS MacGuyver was launched from Southampton yesterday, got three hundred yards off the coast, and was attacked by a flock of angry seagulls.  The brave crew are being treated for PTSD.




Millions flee toxic fall-out from Trump's sickening bragging


Roads out of cities across the Western world are now packed with people desperate to escape the noxious effects of Trump's incessant self-congratulation.


"They're seeking anywhere, way up in the hills or out at sea, with no WiFi connection and no TV or radio signals," said an AA spokes-spare tyre, "so they don't have to listen to Trump's nauseating boasts about 'winning on levels never seen before'."


"We stuck with the news for as long as we could," said one evacuee on the A303, who was making his way to the western-most point of the Scilly Isles with his young family and all their possessions strapped to the roof of his car.


"But then our ears started to bleed and we all felt our heads would explode.


"It's then we knew that we were suffering from radioactive Trump poisoning, brought on by listening to him bigging his stupid self up on the radio."


Media organisations have been told by the Health and Safety Executive to limit their journalists' exposure to five minutes at a stretch when editing material containing Trump's sickenly self-satisfied remarks.


"Otherwise, they may suffer concussion and blood loss from banging their heads against the wall and stabbing themselves with scissors out of uncontrollable exasperation with Trump's self-glorifying tattle," said an HSE spokes-clipboard.


The Flee Your Home Office has issued a press release advising evacuees that there are still spaces available on Rockall on which to perch until Trump finally shuts up, or sea areas off Scapa Flow in which to scuttle themselves.


"But on no account," warns the press release, "should anyone try to save Nigel Farage or Kemi Badenoch.


"Trump sickness has reached too far inside their tiny minds for them to be helped."


Donald Trump is 79 years old in deluded narcissist years.




Khamanei’s son ditches playboy lifestyle to become Ayatollah


Following his father's death, Mojtaba Khamenei - Mojito to his friends - has been forced to abandon his playboy lifestyle to become the new Ayatollah and Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran.


”I guess I always knew it couldn’t go on forever,” he said ruefully, speaking on Zoom to a reporter from Condé Nast Traveller from his penthouse in the Palm Jumeirah. “Only last week I was doing lines of coke off a hooker’s ass along with Don Trump junior, Netanyahu’s son and some tech bros I met on a certain Caribbean island. But even then I was wondering whether it might not be time to settle down, let the old beard grow out a bit, get a nice place in the country etc.


”Or, as it turns out, become the supreme leader of a theocratic fascist state that beats women to death for not covering their heads in public. Funny how life works out, eh?”


Asked whether his former lifestyle might not be a problem with Iran’s more conservative clerics, Khamenei winked and said “What happens in Dubai stays in Dubai, am I right?


A spokesman for Khamenei said he should be able to move back to Iran in a week or two, to give him time to settle a few casino debts, sell the Lambos and get every lap dancer in town to sign a non-disclosure agreement.


”Put it this way - he’ll be there before any British warships arrive in Cyprus.”




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