Trump plan promises peace in Eurovision in 24 hours

President Trump says that he will use America might, negotiating skills, and tariffs, to bring peace to Eurovision ‘in 24 hours’.

‘We have some spare capacity, as things are progressing very well with Russia, Ukraine, Israel, Palestine and FIFA,’ said the President. ‘My plan is a very good plan, and it will bring peace very quickly. Although I must remind everyone in Yerp, and Israel, that delivering the 24-point plan will require concessions about territory and mineral rights on all sides, and the payment of aggravated damages to the USA.  I haven't talked to any of the nations involved, as I find that people often just raise petty and irrelevant points.  Because the US is independent, and not part of Yerp, we can see more clearly how to resolve the conflicts at the heart of Eurovision.

The envelope bearing the first draft of the plan is believed to be no bigger than C5 in size and probably brown. Sceptics don’t believe that the plan actually has 24 points. More like nul points, they suggest. And journalists are keen to know if Donald Trump has signed the envelope, as this would leave little remaining space for the plan itself.

The plan is believed to include the readmittance of Russia to the Eurovision contest, the cancellation of all gay, woke DEI nonsense, including banning Pride flags, and a requirement that the USA is allowed to compete, and to be guaranteed a top three place. Telephone voting would be organised by the USA, with only Trump Phones being considered secure enough to deliver billions of votes reliably.  Eurovision would be broadcast in England by GB News, and not by the fake-news-BBC.

A proposal that Greenland should not be allowed to compete has upset Denmark, but the President has said that ‘you can’t make an omelette without breaking heads.’ He also apparently said that Denmark was ‘only small’ and therefore 'shouldn’t make a fuss.’

American contractors are on standby to realise Trump’s dream of a new, supercharged and successful Eurovision resort, funded by American banks and returning super-profits to the US of A. There are rumours that Donald Trump has set up a new arms-length construction company to bid for the work.

In promoting the initiative, White House spokesman said, ‘The very excellent Eurovision Peace Plan will help the Eurovision brand to a great brand, by concentrating on monetisation instead of jiggery-wokery, an undemocratic voting system, and bands that pointlessly perform in languages that Americans don’t understand.’

Image credit: perchance.org

Similarities of Mechanically Recovered Meat and Reform Policies

Reformed meat, the worst kind of meat, has similarities with Reform Policies, the worst kind of policies.

How Mechanically Recovered Meat is made

• Meat is separated from flesh-bearing bones or poultry carcasses through a high-pressure mechanical process

• The meat is pushed through a sieve, or similar device, to separate it from the bones

• This process modifies or destroys the original muscle fibre structure, resulting in a paste-like consistency

• The final product can be used to bulk up other meat products

• The end result is a mound of paste like slurry, consisting of meat, fat, and gristle

How a Reform Policy is made 

• Policies are separated from Conservative Manifestos, and YouTube comments sections, through high-pressure verbal abuse

• The proposal is pushed through a narrow-minded focus group, or similar method, to separate it from reason

• This process modifies or destroys the original policy structure, resulting in poor consistency

• The final product can be used to bulk up other empty manifesto promises

• The end result is a policy that is liked by mounds of paste like slurry, consisting of meat, fat, and gristle

Image credit: perchance.org

New Government plan deports illegal immigrants for £20

The government has a new tactic in its war on illegal immigrants.

Funding the French police has proved ineffective. Advertising posters saying 'Britain is Closed. And a bit rubbish.' didn't work. The one-in-one-out policy is only working in a roundabout way.

So the government is very pleased with its latest wheeze.

'I don't know why we didn't think of it before,' said the under-Minister for Ejecting Illegals. 'We order a pizza on one of those new-fangled delivery apps. We have a work experience wallah who knows how to do that. And then we arrange for it to be delivered to the police headquarters in Calais.

'The app tells us the drivers name. So then we can tell our immigration staff not to let them back in. Genius. One voluntary repatriation for the price of a pizza.

'We are still refining the policy. The French police has complained about the food arriving cold, and also that pizza is disgusting foreign muck, and that the BBQ dips are often missing. GB News has accused us of using public money to buy food for asylum seekers. And we have accidentally deported seven English teenagers.

'I'm told that the last one is a downside, even though they would probably have voted Reform.'

Image: Ricktapam - Pixabay

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