A call centre operator from Overton has revealed that despite spending several thousand pounds on fitness equipment, he remains overweight - something he describes as ‘very disappointing, considering the investment'.
42-year-old Dan Chubb explained: 'My GP told me I was clinically obese. I thought that was a bit rude, seeing as I'd only popped in to pick up my mum's prescription for haemorrhoid cream. Still, I took it seriously and signed up at the local gym. The instructor said I needed a fitness watch, so I bought an Apple Watch. It cost over £800, but he told me if you want to take your health seriously, you've got to have all the best kit. It actually comes in really useful for timing how long it takes my Deliveroo order to arrive – when I remember to charge it, that is.'
Brushing biscuit crumbs from his man-boobs, Dan continued, 'Someone at the pub said cycling helped him lose loads of weight, so I bought a top-of-the-range racing bike, plus a helmet and full lycra gear. I can't actually squeeze into the lycra because they don't make it in my size, but once I've lost a few stones I'll be able to humiliate myself on public roads like everyone else.'
Dan has also invested in elite running shoes, ‘the exact same ones Usain Bolt wears', although he admits they're mainly used for walking between the sofa and the fridge. 'They're a bit tight,' he said, 'but hopefully they'll loosen up once I start running. Which I will. Soon.'
His diet plan is similarly high-tech. 'My brother-in-law uses protein powder for bodybuilding, so I bought loads of that. It's disgusting on its own, but not bad sprinkled on chips. I actually think it's made me put on more weight, but apparently muscle weighs more than fat - so technically I might just be ripped underneath.'
Asked how much exercise he'd actually done, Dan looked puzzled. 'Exercise? I haven't had time for that. I've been too busy working overtime at the call centre to pay off the treadmill I use as a clothes hanger. But once I get a rowing machine, I reckon the weight will just fall off.'
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