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This weekend's clock change brings home what a farcical waste of time this exercise is.  As one householder said, 'It hardly makes any difference!  The sun isn't very bright at this time of year anyway, so an extra hour of it shining on my solar panels (if I'm lucky) barely earns me an extra quid.  And in the spring, I lose it again.  Or is it the other way round?  I always get confused.


'The whole idea's a bit mad - an utter con.  It's just a mind game.  What we need is something sensible and practical - something which will make a real difference, and which will save the planet.  What we ought to do is change the clocks every day.'


'If we moved the clocks one hour back every day at noon, we'd get an extra hour of sunlight every day.  And if we moved them forward again every night at midnight, we'd shorten every dark, miserable, un-productive and unprofitable sunless night by an hour, all year round.  That would be 365.2422 times more productive (yes, I've dome my homework, so I know what I'm talking about) and would also be simpler for the sun, which might otherwise get confused and get out of step with itself.'


The sun was unavailable for comment.




 

'This government is all about fixing the small stuff,' said a Cabinet Office spokesperson. 'And not just because we can't afford to do anything that matters. Stopping people blasting music on public transport - tick. Forty-five quid a year off your two grand gas and electricity bill - tick. Saying we'll end rough sleeping based simply on vibes - that's a big ol' tick. Now we're improving workplaces by getting rid of phrases which leave you wondering if you're emailing with a colleague or Satan himself.'


Not everyone has welcomed this change, as HR expert Jen Gray explained in writing.  


'Happy Friday!


Hope this email finds you well. Just checking in about my opposition to the new law banning the word-combos which empower office rockstars to synergize effectively. As per my last email, I don't have the bandwidth right now to fully double-click on why the new law is a hindrance to delivering at pace. Let's take this offline. Happy to discuss. Good luck with your future endeavours.


Warmly,


Jen'


The law comes into effect at midnight, following an easy run through Parliament with only the reintroduction of the death penalty for hitting 'Forward' on previously received emails and just adding 'Thoughts?' causing debate. 



'People who hate me say: Sir, Sir, how can you sell out Ukraine like this, you vile son of a bitch?' Donald Trump told a rally of adoring cockroaches, snakes and skunks.


'I say to them, look at it this way. What do I get out of backing Ukraine? It's an impoverished, resource-poor country in the middle of nowhere and I can't charge them anything if they win.


'But if I back Russia and they win, then there's loads of billion-dollar side deals to be done on oil, gold and real estate in Moscow with dozens of slimy oligarchs and my goblin pal Putin, the bigliest kleptocrat dictator in the history of the world.


'And how can I manage to do that? By not giving a damn about what happens to Ukraine. That's easy. I genuinely don't.


'Then people - very stupid people - say: 'Sir, what about the cause of freedom?'


'I am standing up for freedom: the freedom to make as much money as I can while I'm still President.'



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