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ICE hoping to kill a paediatric oncologist next


Following the gunning-down of Alex Pretti, an ICU nurse, in Minneapolis ICE has expressed ‘deep regret’ that he was ‘only’ a nurse.


‘Obviously we want to kill really nice people’, a spokesman said. ‘If we just kill criminals or, I dunno, blacks, it won’t have the same shock value. We really want to see some paediatric oncologists protesting, or maybe a Catholic nun? A nun might do it’.


In the hierarchy of ‘audience members stand-up comedians are most wary of’, paediatric oncologists are number 1 – which also makes them ICE’s #1 target.


‘The Fuhrer, sorry, President can’t invoke the Insurrection Act on a whim’, the ICE spokesman said with a chuckle. ‘Okay, he can – but it would be a lot better if there were some riots first. Hey, do you think we could get some clowns? Like, big shoes, red noses, custard pies? If we gunned them down in the street - that should work, shouldn’t it?’



Cockney MP leads Lambeth walk in Parliament


Following similar incidents in New Zealand, where MPs of Māori heritage have initiated the Haka in that country’s parliament in protest at proposed legislation, cockney MP Steve Geezer has asserted his right to perform the Lambeth walk in the House of Commons.


Geezer, who represents the constituency of Barking and Shithole, said that to deny him this right would show a lack of respect for the traditions and customs of cockneys.


The Speaker of the House, whilst pointing out that the traditional war declaration of the Māoris and a song and dance number written for a musical in 1937 weren’t quite the same thing, nevertheless said he was minded to allow it as it “should be quite funny for the rest of us”.


Geezer then rounded up the members for Havering, Newham and Dagenham and together, with their thumbs tucked into their braces, they strutted around to a Chas’n’Dave style accompaniment provided by a busker they found outside Westminster tube station.


Once he’d stopped laughing, the Speaker asked what if anything the cockney MPs were protesting about.


”Er… dunno really.. immigration I spose. They come over ‘ere, livin’ on benefits… no wonder there’s never any benefits left for my constituents.”





Ilford man claims success in making Building Society agree to let him live in his own house


Brian Irving, from Ilford, has claimed victory in an ongoing dispute with his Building Society.  He claimed they needed to let him own his house outright and give him the right to live in his own home.  The Building Society has consistently claimed he had these rights, but Brian has threatened to use the full strength of the law to ensure he could do this, and insinuated he would use force if his wishes weren't granted.  'I need full access to my home, for my family's security,' he said today.


Today the Building Society have emailed Brian with a comprehensive admission that he and his family could live in his house without any interference from them.  Brian claims he is vindicated and that 'Trump could learn a thing or two from me'.


A spokesman for the Building Society stated there was never any dispute from their end, and that Brian had paid off his mortgage two years ago anyway.  'He just kept calling us out on social media so we sent him a confirmatory email,' the spokesman said, shrugging.


'Next I'm going to exert my right to live anywhere I like in South America,' said Brian.




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