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Prisoners leave HMP Blunder for the Christmas break

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HMP Blunder is breaking up for the Christmas holidays after a busy autumn term.


Its 347 inmates will be released by mistake to wander around deprived areas of London in their prison clothes until they are rounded up by the police and herded back to their cells.


HMP Blunder's governor, Eric Bungle, will oversee the end-of-term prize giving ceremony, when everyone will sing the prison song: It's the Most Blunderful Time of the Year.


Hadush Kebatu is to be given the Metropolitan Police Award for being the cinchest person ever to catch.


Justice Secretary David Lammy has been made Head Scapegoat, so that the Prison Service has someone to take the blame for its constant foul-ups.


There will be no deportations at the end of term because the Home Office has been too disorganised to arrange the flights.


HMP Blunder starts its new term in January, or February, or whenever the cops manage to find everyone.


It will then be welcoming several new faces, thanks to Mr Lammy's cost-cutting court reforms. They'll be people sent to jail on the whim of a judge after a jury-less trial, or having had no trial at all.



Tickets for Paddington reach £2.4bn

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Families hoping to see Paddington at London’s Savoy Theatre this Christmas are having to pay upwards of one million pounds for a ticket– and that’s for seats with a restricted view.


The best seats in the stalls are priced at £1000 each, while the seats at the front of the Dress Circle are selling for £2.4bn each, leading front-of-house staff to dub it Oligarchs’ Row. The much sort after boxes are priced like small countries. Fifteen trillion pounds gets you an unimpeded view, plus Veuve Clicquot champagne and caviar, or, if you’d rather, a small country such as Paddington’s beloved Peru, gift-wrapped and sent to the Kremlin.


The pricing of West End shows has long been a subject of debate, with many observers saying the rot set in with Cabaret. But that show’s top price tickets of £600 seems insignificant next to Paddington


A spokesman for Chunky Cut Orange Marmalade, Paddington’s producers, said: “We accept that it is a lot of money for families, particularly during a cost-of-living crisis. But what you have to remember is that you are seeing quality theatre delivered by a cast, a whole team comprising musicians and lighting specialists, all working at the top of their game. And don’t forget, our two-legged, sometimes four-legged hero, gets through a lot of marmalade.”


Ah yes, Paddington himself. SPOILER ALERT. Now some people are under the illusion that the bear is a cleverly designed costume-cum-puppet operated by an actor. But this is nonsense! Paddington is a real bear! His finest moment comes after the curtain calls when he climbs to the roof of the theatre to find a handful of avid theatre fans gathered around the air-conditioning vents through which they can just about hear snatches of the songs. Their seats are not restricted view; they are no view at all.


To their disbelief and delight, Paddington introduces himself with his customary politeness and then says: “Here, I saved these for you”, and hands them each a marmalade sandwich.  The experience will stay with them their whole lives, while the oligarchs are already invading another country.


Author: Jamie Dodger



Road pricing: drivers will get refunds for delays

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The government introduced road pricing in the Budget last month. Drivers of EVs will now have to pay extra money for every mile driven.


However, like the refunds for delayed train journeys, drivers will be able to claim for a refund if their trip is delayed by roadworks, accidents, bad weather, or acts of God.  And learner drivers will also be able to claim back up to 10,000 miles of practice driving, but only for the 12 months before they passed their practical test.


Drivers will not get a refund for claiming that the government wrongly advised them to buy a diesel car, on the basis of low emissions.  Nor can they get a refund if they bought an electric car based on wildly optimistic estimates of the cost of charging it or fictionalised estimates of how far you can drive on a full battery.  And let’s not even start on the problems with hybrid cars.  Suffice to say, you only bought the damn thing to avoid the congestion charge, so if you now pay twice, through fuel duty AND the mileage charge, well, that’s just karma.  So tough luck, clever clogs.


An HMRC spokesman said, ‘Although we sort of need the money (according to Rachel), the government has agreed to have a level playing field between cars and trains.  As you can get a refund for train delays, the government has agreed that you can also get a refund for car delays.  As with the trains, you can get a full refund if your car journey was delayed by two hours or more.


‘To claim, you will simply need to provide your government-approved GPS tracker data to confirm that you were stuck on the road for the whole time, with no stops for coffee, meals, or anything else.  That data, plus the details on the accompanying 36-page form, will guarantee you a full refund within 6–9 months.’



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