Birmingham bin strike now a tourist attraction

The Birmingham bin strike is well into its eighth month, but it's not all bad news.

Several enterprising companies are offering 'bin strike experiences' and guided tours of the main locations.

Colin leads the 'Apocalypse Now' tour, which is popular with residents and visitors alike. 'It's not too serious,' he says. 'No-one wants to be lectured about typhoid and dysentery.

'We ask our guests to put on Hazmat suits for the tour, and we give them Geiger counters and a mallet for hitting rats with. So they are ready for anything. On the De Luxe tour, we throw in oxygen tanks and someone to translate the Brummie accent. We aim to give them the authentic experience of living in a city affected by a long and unsolvable bin strike.

'People can't get enough of it. It's always very reassuring to see people who are worse off than you are. One lady from Solihull has done the tour eleven times.

'I do worry about the strike and the piles of rubbish, though. If the council or the government were to settle the strike, then I'm out of a job.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Putin approves the sale of spud guns

President Donald Trump has said that his promise to sell Ukraine thousands of Tomahawk missiles is withdrawn because when he asked President Putin, Putin just tapped a file marked 'Epstein' and shook his head.  So Ukraine aren't going to get the weapons that could potentially force a ceasefire, withdrawal and sudden fall for Putin from a high Kremlin window.  Instead a range of weaponry has been given the green light by Putin to allow the war to continue until everyone is killed, bored or Farage is Prime Minister, committing all of the UK to aid Russia.

'Spud guns are allowed,' a spokesman for the President said (either, you guess, it doesn't make much difference).  'We had them as kids and they really sting.  That's why the President wears thick layers of orange makeup/sits fifty foot away from the nearest person (delete as inapplicable),' he said.

Other weapons allowed are conkers on really long strings, not boiled or soaked in vinegar as that's 'really mean'.  Catapults are allowed as well, and the recent ban in the UK is going to provide a strong supply chain. Or supply elastic rubber bands. Chinese burns are going to be allowed, but not on North Korean soldiers.  Or Russians either.  Wedgies are permitted in small groups, as is the use of wet towels.

'The President is going to loosen the restrictions on hurty words,' said the spokesman, again not making it clear who was directing the instructions.  Acceptable hurty words include 'Фарадж является российским прихвостнем', 'Брексит — это российский заговор с целью свержения Запада', and 'Реформаторы — хорошие ребята для России'.  However 'Оранжеволицый хорёк из Соединённых Штатов Америки находится в файлах Эпштейна, и у Путина есть копия.'  is on the banned list.  For now.

Robert Jenrick pioneers new ventriloquist act with “Judgie”

Robert Jenrick, once considered a possible contender for leadership of the Conservative Party, has instead struck out in the direction of vaudeville.

Holding up a puppet he called “Judgie”, which in fact consisted of nothing but a judge’s wig, he debuted his new act in front of Tory Party workers in a bizarre and surreal meeting in Pease Pottage.

'Hello, Judgie,' said Jenrick. “What have you been up to lately?'

'Well, I’ve been restricting people’s legal right to free assembly and protest,' replied the puppet, prompting Jenrick to look at the audience in mock surprise. 

'You can’t do that, Judgie,' he continued. 'People have a right to express their opinions, even if you disagree with them.'

The puppet then turned to Jenrick, saying, 'What are you, some kind of pinko Guardian reader? We know what to do with people like you!” Jenrick was then dragged offstage by uniformed thugs while the puppet shouted “Put him on a flight to Rwanda,' to roars of laughter from the audience.

Jenrick's act was followed by a speech by the current Tory Party Chair, a red-velvet upholstered wing back which spoke of the need to restrict immigration and the way foreigners sometimes don’t integrate properly into British society.

Watching the speech live at Reform Party HQ (aka Wetherspoons in Thurrock), Richard Tice remarked to Nigel Farage, 'You said that without moving your lips.'