Editor admits: Being fair to Starmer was a moment of madness

'There is no justification for my comments,' admitted a tearful Clive Haw-Haw, speaking after his shock resignation as editor-in-chief of The Daily Schweinhund.

'What I said was reckless, damaging and morally indefensible. I probably don't deserve to go on living.'

'We're still in disbelief,' said the Schweinhund's senior reporter. 'We were in the morning meeting, planning to do a totally true story about how 10,000 people in Basildon had contracted Aids and herpes after casting their votes for Labour, and the publisher asked whether there were any more totally true stories we could fabricate to make Starmer's life a misery.

'Then we heard the editor murmur: 'I don't know. Maybe we should give him a chance.'

'Well, we had to act fast. We hustled him out of the newsroom and straight down to the Newspaper Editors Guild, where we sat him down in front of his peers on the Horst Wessel Committee of Dementedly Right-Wing Papers.

'They stripped him of his job, along with his John Major memorial underpants, and his signed photo of Alan Clark doing a secretary. Then they turfed him out, naked and penniless, onto the streets of Labour's Britain - since he seemed to like it so much.'

'After this disgrace, I will retreat from the rat race,' said Mr Haw-Haw. 'I will wander the face of the Earth, devoting myself to Bad Works. I'll kick pensioners' sticks away and steal candyfloss from kids at fairs in the hope that eventually Britain's leading Tories will accept me back as one of their own - a thorough-going, unmitigated schweinhund.'

Image by Hanne Hasu from Pixabay

Cthulhu sues Trump for copyright infringement

Cthulhu, the ageless entity of unspeakable evil, is suing Donald Trump in an American court for 'theft of intellectual property' and 'intentional infliction of emotional distress.' 'Destroying the global economy, laughing at Gaza’s ethnic cleansing, oppressing penguins - those were all my ideas,' Cthulhu said at an angry press conference. 'I may as well just stay at home and play video games.'

The Trump administration is not backing down. 'Cthulhu's had since before the beginning of time to destroy life on Earth, and he hasn't done jack shit,' said F@$cismRox, the administration's designated social media Troll-of-the-Week. 'Trump has unleashed bottomless dread like you've never seen before.'

Cthulhu's bitterness is understandable, says Alfred Newman, Professor of Supernatural Marketing at the University of Arkham. 'Cthulhu's been building his brand over an unfathomable span of eons,' Newman said. 'When some newbie comes along – a mere human, no less – and swipes all his good lines, it's no surprise that he feels a bit put out.'

According to a source close to Cthulhu, he believes that someone associated with Trump stole his plans for inflicting chaotic global misery. 'Steve Bannon interned with us some years ago,' the source explained. 'We think he hacked Cthulhu's account and copied all the good stuff.' Calls to Bannon's representative seeking a response went unreturned.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Family Loses Bidding War for Garden Shed

Family Loses Bidding War for Garden Shed to Slightly Less Desperate Family Who Sold a Kidney

By Dusty Leasehold, Property Correspondent for The Daily Desperation

In a Kafkaesque twist of Britain’s housing crisis, the Boggis family have been outbid on yet another property - this time by a family whose only apparent advantage was not yet being at the “eating cold baked beans straight from the tin” stage of desperation.

The disputed dwelling was a 6x8ft garden shed in Croydon, optimistically listed as a 'bijou studio with rustic charm' by letting agent Roland Cheetham, who later admitted the photos were taken 'before the woodworm moved in.'

'We offered £200 over asking price, said Terry Boggis, gripping his printed-out Rightmove listing like a condemned man clutching his last cigarette. 'Then the agent mentioned the other family had offered to pay the entire year’s rent upfront. Turns out they’d sold a kidney. A f@cking kidney!”

The rivals, Daz and Stacey from Romford, turned out to be equally desperate - just marginally less broke. 'We sold the Xbox, cancelled Disney+, and moved in with Stacey’s nan for six months,' admitted Daz, bouncing a toddler on his hip in the shed’s 'open-plan living space' – a single room that smelled of damp and crushed dreams. 'Honestly? We’re one payslip away from bidding against you for a park bench.'

Cheetham, adjusting his Hermès tie, explained shiftily: 'The advertised price is just the starting bid in the auction of human misery. Next time, consider selling something vital – like your firstborn or that signed Robbie Williams vinyl.'

The Boggises have since viewed a converted public toilet in Zone 6 ('original Victorian features'), a parking space with 'potential for conversion' (a tent), and the attic above a kebab shop ('comes with free heating'). Their 28-year-old son Jayden has started referring to viewings as 'poverty tourism'. Meanwhile, Nan Beryl has taken to standing outside Foxtons muttering: 'I’ll curse the bollocks off whoever buys my council flat.'

At press time, the family were considering whether to finally accept that Hull exists, or hold out for a more prestigious cardboard box in Reading. As Terry observed, while being shown a 'unique fixer-upper' (a burnt-out caravan in Slough), 'At least the rats look happy.'

Mr Cheetham was last seen listing a bus shelter as 'a charming al fresco residence with excellent transport links.'

Image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay