Reality show contestant completes task without panic

A contestant has completed a reality TV show challenge in good time with no last minute panic. Stunned viewers watched open-mouthed as Caroline Frodsham, a project manager from Stoke, completed the redecoration of a cake shop with an hour to spare and under budget.

'I simply worked back from the deadline and planned out the tasks to fit the budget,' said Ms Frodsham. 'The client initially wanted a very ambitious design, but we had a sensible and open discussion on what was realistic - your know, like adults - and they were happy with the end result.'

'She was polite, competent and efficient,' said series producer Josh Wyndham, 'the bastard. Who wants to watch that? No tears, no breakdowns, no bitching about her fellow contestants... She embarrassed us all in front of the nation. Mark my words, she'll never work in reality TV again.' Despite this threat, Ms Frodsham appeared unconcerned, apparently quite happy to continue working in actual reality instead.

Image credit: perchance.org

‘Shaun of the Dead’ sequel ‘Operation Raise the Colours’ hailed as a classic

Simon Pegg’s 2004 zombie spoof ‘Shaun of the Dead’ was an instant hit, but has been criticised for its treatment of zombies as one-dimensional characters with no autonomy, intellect or artistic sensibilities.

His sequel, Operation Raise the Colours, features an even more devastating mass infection event with a twist: the zombies hoist flags on lampposts to mark their territory.

‘We wanted to show zombies as real characters, you know, with hopes and dreams and ladders and flags’, Pegg allegedly told reporters. ‘These zombies can sort of speak – they can string a few words together, it’s gibberish, but it’s their gibberish. Obviously, they’re brain-dead, but they can still function a bit. And tie flags to lampposts.'

The zombie leaders are particularly abhorrent. The one they call ‘Nigel’ leaves a trail of ash and roubles everywhere he walks, and can make women vomit just by speaking to them. The rival zombie leader, ‘Tommy’, is a midget with a pronounced tic, as if he’s done too much coke. In the final climactic scene the two zombie leaders fight to the death, and are buried with full military honours, draped in flags – Nigel in a Russian flag, Tommy in a Union Jack handkerchief.

Image credit: perchance.org

Prince Andrew's new shock-jock podcast

An announcement today from the beleaguered Prince Andrew in that he will host a tell-all podcast called 'Stripped' where he will bear all in regard to his troubled history. He will be referred to in the podcast as Andy Windsor and will adopt a posh, shock-jock style.

'Yah, I'm really going to go there,' he said in a video announcement. 'I'm going to blow the lid of all the scandals that have been falsely pinned on me; we'll discuss all the things that keep us up at night, like the deep state and chem trails, and we'll all have some fun with our guests along the way.'

Initial guests are said to include Sarah Ferguson, Prince Harry, Bill Clinton, David Icke, Lee Anderson, Russell Brand and Joe Rogan. Those who have heard the first excerpts say that it is explosive and could rock the Royal Family forever. Subjects discussed were fork and spoon placement gaffes, sweat, Andy's 'Randy List' of women that interest him, the deep Royal state, and an Andrew versus Charles wrestling simulation (Andrew wins by submission).

The first episode will come out before Christmas, and the series will be sponsored by Pizza Express.

Image credit: Titanic Belfast, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. Text added.