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The Referees Association announced today that it’s introducing an automatic penalty (or “autopen”) system for Liverpool FC.


“Obviously it’s been standard practice for years that Liverpool will be awarded a penalty near the end of the game if they aren’t winning,” said RA official Steve Dalgliesh (no relation, probably).


”However, under the current system Liverpool strikers still have to pretend to be fouled, and we’re concerned they’re in danger of injury from throwing themselves to the ground so often. This could be a problem if they also want to score goals in open play, though I can’t imagine why they’d need to…”


The new system will award as many penalties as Liverpool need to win the game, spacing them out so the whole thing doesn’t look too obviously corrupt.


“We’ve got at least give the appearance of fairness, and we don’t always achieve that. I realise there was a problem last season when Liverpool fans kept voting the referee their ‘man of the match’.”



Charles has set Harry a target of 10,000 charitable works to secure his rehabilitation to royal life.


Every journey begins with the first step. In this case, it's Harry's visit to Ukraine. Charles said that Harry's donation to Children in Need does not count, as rehabilitation must be earned and cannot be bought. And nor should rehabilitation be filmed for Netflix or written about in trashy books.


After a long period of abstinence from the media a modest BBC documentary on BBC Four might be acceptable.


Harry is reported to be very pleased, as he now feels that he has a purpose in life, beyond transferring popcorn from big bags into little bags. He has worked out that, at the rate of two visits a day, he should be restored to the King's good books by 2039. As long as nothing else goes wrong before then...


image from google gemini

The National Rifle Association (NRA) has reminded America its central belief in the sanctity of the Second Amendment cannot change, as doing so would result in a society worse than one in which anyone could shoot anyone else.


“The Constitution essentially comes down to: life is sacrosanct, but the Second Amendment is even more so. You can’t have an abortion, even if the mother’s life is at risk, but you can’t have state-funded life-saving healthcare either. Also torture is fine unless you’re one of us.”


The NRA spokesperson added: “I admit we’re probably changing our minds about martyrdom, on which we’ve been fairly silent up till now, if only because it will strengthen our grounds for not changing our minds.”


image from pixabay

writer: sketchedbyboz




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