top of page
Search

Pile of rubbish on roundabout set to close



Doncaster council has announced the closure of a small pile of rubbish next week, due to no one realising that it was a tourist attraction. The pile, which consisted, in part, of a fridge, a car tyre and an old 'Police Aware' sign, was situated on a roundabout near the town's celebrated ring road.


"Almost everyone uses the ring road to avoid the town." said one councillor, "so we were surprised that so few took advantage of our spectacular 'Rubbish of Doncaster' attraction".


The exhibit, which was designed to increase awareness of fridges, car tyres and old 'Police Aware' signs, drew very little criticism from locals. Locals, however, also released a statement saying they would have definitely criticised it a lot, had they been aware that it actually existed.


The architects of the pile made no comment, other than to say they were very busy working on a new upturned shopping trolley in a canal exhibit.







Woman finds exact nanosecond local Barclays Bank is open

Updated: Dec 24, 2021




Laura Hills from Bridgend has managed to get personal counter service from her local Barclays Bank by entering the branch at the split second it opened and just before it rapidly closed.


The bank clerk serving her was so surprised to find a customer had made it inside she had to spend fifteen minutes reminding herself what her job was.


Branch Manager, Jim Morgan, was equally befuddled. “This should not have happened. We are doing our level best to force customers online by only opening for the briefest time possible. I hope you can understand, for one of our employees to have had to serve someone was an extremely traumatic experience. She’s now having time off for counselling, which means we will have to restrict our opening seconds even more.”





West London Brexiter shoots wife following bent banana confusion


A 57-year-old man from Kentish Town in West London was being held in police custody last night after blasting his wife in the chest with a shotgun in a fit of rage due to frustration that post-Brexit bananas were still curved and not straight as he mistakenly believed had been promised in pro-Brexit newspapers like The Daily Mail and The Telegraph prior to the 2016 referendum.


Michael Steeden, a boating lake attendant, was held by police at his home in Chalk Farm Avenue after neighbours reported two loud gunshots.


Officers broke into the property and found Steeden sitting on the stairs with the shotgun across his knees and a banana in his hands which he appeared to be trying to straighten with a copper and hide mallet, according to an eyewitness.


His wife of twenty-two years, Shirley, was found in the kitchen clinging to the sink with gunshot wounds to the chest.


The injured woman was rushed to the Kensington and Chelsea hospital where she was last night described as 'comfortable but extremely shaken'


A police spokesman told newsmen: 'Mr Steeden has been charged with attempted murder contrary to common law.


'He has admitted the offence, blaming frustration that post-Brexit bananas had still not yet been straightened, as he mistakenly believed would be the case following the Brexit referendum'






bottom of page