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F*ck Off Gabriel! Cliff Richard song divides fans and critics



The race for this year’s Christmas number one has taken a surprising turn as veteran rock n’ roller Cliff Richard released F*ck off Gabriel, a catchy yuletide celebration of sacrilegious expletives. His long-awaited single has entered the charts at No3. Cliff has 327 Christmas number ones under his belt and is the only rock n’ roller to have a hit in every decade since the English civil war of 1642.


In a radical departure from sentimental schmaltz, Cliff’s latest offering has elements of old-school punk and new wave Ska, leaving some fans bitterly disappointed. Hundreds have resigned from his fan club in protest, although a spokesman for Cliff said they could all fuck off and die as far as he was concerned.


Among the controversial lyrics is a repeating chorus that could see him banned from Radio 2.


‘Pull a sexy cracker and wear a party hat,

Face-down in your dinner plate and vomit on the cat.

Free Palestine, yeah, yeah, yeah! (x4)’


Top of the Pops have agreed to let him perform if he promises to stop spitting at people. Loyal fans have their fingers crossed for another smash hit.


The only time he hasn’t had a number one was in 2014 when he was kept from the top spot by The Police.



image from pixabay


First published 19 Dec 2022


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Government makes DAB Day a Bank Holiday



DAB Day - the day after Boxing Day - is to be made a bank holiday, the Government has announced.


'For decades British voters - er - people have struggled to articulate what they intend to do on December the 27th, mainly because by December the 26th they have completely and utterly lost track of what day of the week it is,' said a government spokesman. 'Good luck with this year, with Christmas straddling the weekend - I think,' he added.


Economists have calculated that making DAB Day a bank holiday will cost the economy the square root of f@ck all as shops will be open as usual regardless, Amazon will be delivering, and people who work in jobs that aren't covered by those two parts of retail won't be in a fit state to walk, let alone drive, to work anyway.


The Scottish Parliament has declared the concept of DAB Day to be ludicrous, but have declared DADAB Day - day after the day after Boxing day as a second new bank holiday only to be observed in Scotland anyway.




First published 18 Dec 2022


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Nurses striking as ‘too many things up peoples' butts’



Nurses are striking to get slightly-better-than-terrible pay and conditions for their essential and difficult job. Unfortunately the Tories recently got a sticker and a lollipop for over a decade of deliberately underfunding the NHS. Mostly however, nurses want not to have to pull things out of peoples' butts.


Bob Bridlington said ‘I was hoovering. I just happened to be naked. I slipped and the ketchup bottle somehow went up my butt.’


Nurse Eleanor Evans donned rubber gloves, sighing ‘I’d have a tiny bit of respect if they just said “I thought it would be fun, but now it’s stuck”. Would you like to know which Tory MPs and cabinet ministers have been in this position?’


There was a sickening pop sound as Evans continued ‘Which ones haven’t more like. Some of them should have a loyalty card.’




First published 17 Dec 2022


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