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Revealed: Horizon computer system runs prisoner releases

"After a thorough investigation into our pathetic tendency to release hundreds of prisoners a year by mistake," a spokes-revolving door for the Prison Service told reporters, "we have narrowed the problem down to our computer system.


"It's called 'Horizon'. Does that ring a bell?


"Every day, it spews out random names. Yesterday, it told us to set free Mao Tse Tung, Desert Orchid, Rick Astley and the Bay City Rollers.


"Once in a while, it comes up with the name of someone who's actually in one of our establishments, such as 'Hadush Kebatu', and we let them go - thereby obliging the police to launch a huge manhunt.


"Horizon was the computer system responsible for all those sub-postmasters being wrongly accused, you say?


"Well, in that case, justice is being done. Horizon banged them up by mistake and now it's releasing them by mistake. It's proof the system's working perfectly."



Under Reform, only British heroes will count

With the news that the hero who put his life in danger in the Huntington attack is a Muslim Algerian immigrant, Reform Ltd has stated it will have a policy of 'true British heroes only' when they come to power.


'Obviously we can't deport them all on day one,' said a Reform spokesman looking nervously to gauge if he'd misrepresented anything Nigel Farage had said (he had), 'But we can allocate their bravery to an indigenous Brit, probably a name supplied by Tommy Robinson,' he said.


'Once we have sent every immigrant back to where they come from, or if they are British born, to where their parents come from, or their parents' parents etc, then we won't have to rely on non-immigrant heroes.  


'Of course we won't have enough British people to carry out mundane jobs like train conductor, so passengers will, obviously, have to stand up and be British heroes.  I repeat there won't be any jobs filled by non-true-British people,' he said, admitting that Zia Yusef's role as unelected spokesperson for Reform would have to go to a British-born halfwit instead.  'We've only got five MPs, but we don't believe we'll struggle to find a replacement out of them,' he said. 



Nadine Dorries ‘hasn’t yet realised’ that men only pretended to find her fascinating


Political groupie and Brand Ambassador for vodka Nadine Dorries has decided to have ‘one last fling’ at becoming a Dame. Many thought her political career was over when she announced that she was leaving the House of Commons, though she bravely continued drawing the salary for a year so we wouldn’t feel abandoned.


Now she’s back, determined to share her political wisdom with the nation.


‘It’s a common problem among women who used to be quite fit’ said Dr Mathison of the University of Padgate. ‘Men hang on their every word because – well, I think we know why. Some women interpret lust as intellectual respect. Not easy to imagine that level of self unawareness, but that’s blondes for you. The tell is that she flicks her hair seductively when she says something she imagines to be intelligent. Real brainiacs don’t do that, I’m told – though I teach at the University of Padgate, so my exposure to brainiacs is largely theoretical’.


Will Nadine get her Damehood? Would you give her one? Will Nigel? Stay tuned for more emetic speculation



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