Nobel and FIFA to swap roles

The worlds of international football and random selection of activity prize-giving have collided and been shaken up with the news that the Nobel Committee and FIFA are going to swap roles from now on.

The Nobel Committee are taking over international football tournaments, starting with the 2026 men's World Cup, but soon to include regional competitions like the European Championships, African Cup of Nations and the Copa America. Nobel has denied that they will grant Norway automatic qualification, at least not for the Copa America.

Meanwhile FIFA are following their innovative award of a Peace Prize to Donald Trump with a Gastronomy prize to be awarded to Luis Suarez, and an Economics prize to Michel Platini.

A spokesdemon denied that awarding a peace prize to Trump would earn FIFA bosses a spot on hell, saying that 'we've been keeping seats warm for everyone on the board of FIFA for years.'

Image credit: perchance.org

‘More lethality, less lawyers’ statement widely condemned

US Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth is facing universal criticism for the appalling English used in his book, ‘The War On Warriors’. If Chapter 10 had been entitled ‘More lethality, fewer lawyers’, he may have been excused for ordering the killing of survivors of a missile attack on their boat. But it’s called ‘More lethality, less lawyers’ which clearly indicates what a dreadful human being he is.

Not many people knew of Hegseth’s book before his department started ignoring Rules Of Engagement, the Geneva Convention and its own publications on War Conduct. But an investigation into the murderous campaign to terrorise fishermen under the questionable pretext that they are all drug dealers has raised awareness of the terrible grammatical crimes committed by Hegseth.

As the investigation continues, further evidence of the misuse of the English language may emerge. And the wrath of the entire English-speaking world will descend upon Hegseth if it is revealed that he ever wrote ‘should of’ instead of ‘should have’.

Image: jackmac34 - Pixabay

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Digital ID or trial by jury - you can't have both

In a Sophie's Choice between one beloved child and Kevin from Home Alone, the British public have to pick between 1000 years of unbroken civil rights or making Tony Blair filthy rich. Said one voter: "It's a tough one. Lose a corner stone of justice or make it easier to shop at Primark."

Removing jury trials would save an astronomical £31 million, whereas ID's only cost a mere £600million a year - that's fantastic news, as it gives us a saving of minus £569 million. "Yes, we could of irradicated child hunger from the UK for the cost of digital ID, but those kids can now get a full meal when they get wrongly imprisoned.

"Anyway, Magna Carta? What has she done for us recently?"

Image: VBlock - Pixabay

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