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No one brave enough to admit they’ll miss Pornhub


Despite 12 million UK users, the infamous website was unable to find a single person who could recall using it. Explained a doctor. 'Amnesia can be caused by repeatedly beating the meat. Unrestricted bludgeoning of the beefsteak will create holes in your memory but, sadly, not in your internet search history.'


Too afraid to raise a hand in protest, particularly as their palms are hairy, the British public will have to focus on cold showers. Said one user, who wished to remain anonymous, but we’ll call Meter Pandleson: 'I’ve a friend who had to resort to this service, since their favourite island shut down. Losing Pornhub will be another blow, and it’s bad enough that they can no longer call themselves the Duke of York.'


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Retired Colonel hides erection with copy of Daily Telegraph as Nigella joins Bake Off


A BBC spokes-cake said 'Prue Leith has defected, presumably to join Reform, so set your oven to gas mark phwoar, we've got Nigella Lawson as her replacement. We wanted another woman with impeccably Tory-adjacent credentials to judge what is essentially a village fete gone rogue. Nigella's contract says she must pronounce the word microwave differently in every episode. More tea, vicar?'


One retired Colonel coughed awkwardly and made a noise like an uneasy horse before braying 'Will Nigella be covering herself in lashings of butter cream every week? Whipping her meringues into stiff peaks? She makes my gingerbread snap... to attention that is. Ohhhh - nurse, it's happened again - a soggy bottom.'


He continued 'Mind you, if it came to it, I'd probably give Paul Hollywood a firm... err... handshake.'



The Tory Party rebrands as a leper colony


Following a spate of high-level defections to Reform, a senior Conservative frontbencher has said that desperate times call for desperate measures.


“At this rate, we’ll have no one left. We're not exactly falling apart but everyone hates us, and we’ve become a complete irrelevance in the political landscape.”


He confirmed the bold rebrand from political party to leper colony after external polling showed that 76% of voters were not crossing the road fast enough whenever they saw a Conservative Party member approaching.


“We’ve now issued all backbenchers with bells as a sort of early-warning system, so the electorate has full transparency about where that vile, unexplained smell is coming from and it will speed up the entire crossing the road process."


Nigel Farage welcomed the news, saying it was time the Tories “came clean about being unclean."


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