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The Government says that prisoners will replace immigrants in providing social care.


Visas for foreign care workers are being scrapped. The work will instead be done by low risk prisoners.


The Government says that this is a win-win. The scheme frees up prison places, trains convicts to help them get work on release, and reduces costs for social care providers who will not have to pay the prisoners for their work.


But charities supporting the elderly are worried about the scheme. They believe that elderly people will learn bad habits from their carers, and may end up running romance scams, drug rings or illegal immigration schemes. Old people in care may have no compunction in turning to crime. If they have sold their homes to pay for care, then they may turn to crime to get revenge.


Colin Dodd, aged 971/2, is disappointed. 'Where are the robots? We've been promised robots for ages but I reckon they are too expensive, don't work and have all been swiped by the rich.


'I've got nothing against criminals - after all, someone has to run the country. And I've got nothing against healthcare workers . They are all very badly paid, apart from the ones who work for agencies. Them lot are coining it in - premium rates, triple shifts, overtime, the lot.


'I reckon a robot would be more effective, more patient and better spoken. If possible, I'd like to be looked after by Buzz Lightyear. He'd be able to find my teeth, remember than I'm quite deaf, and help me to achieve my dream of learning to fly.'




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Following his performance at Glastonbury, eighty-year-old rocker Rod Stewart is to release a new overlong playing record in support of his new found love for right-wing politician Nigel Farage, who replaces Rod's previous bestie MP Enoch Powell.  Apparently he thinks Powell was a softie and like the object of his early Seventies hit, Maggie May, is also dead.


Some of the titles have been re-recorded to bring them up to date, but Rod hopes his fans embrace them.  They include:


The First DOGE cut is the Deepest


(I am) Racist


Do Ya Think I'm Racist?


Young Turks (go home)


If You Don't Know Nigel By Now


I Don't Want to Talk About Policies




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A Hampshire man named Brian Miller is thought to be the only human on the entire planet yet to be threatened by US President Donald Trump. Since the weekend, the president filled in the last remaining gaps by threatening Iran, Israel, CNN, all journalists, Elon Musk and ‘that Alfred Nobel-Peace guy’.


However, financial advisor Miller has somehow escaped all these threats. It is understood that it’s because he is yet to sigh in exasperation at any of Trump’s unintelligible announcements or nonsensical Truth Social posts, unlike the rest of the UK (or EU as the president calls it).


Mr Miller said that he was proud to have the honour of being the last person on earth to refer to the president as an orange narcissist bully.




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