To test British empathy, mention Inheritance Tax

Despite only five percent of estates liable for any Inheritance Tax, with the first £1 million completely tax free and often with another large tax free chunk with careful planning any mention just of the tax, let alone increasing it for a small subset of those in scope, results in outrage from people who are never, ever going to pay IHT in a month of lifetimes.

For people to howl at the injustice for those about to inherit multi-millions even though they will probably struggle to survive the rest of their own miserable existence is a demonstration of British empathy. Forget children starving, youngsters saddled with renting forever but rail against a tax only applicable to a minority.

'In reality fewer than 0.05% of the population has an estate subject to IHT in any year,' said a financial spokesman today, noting that scrapping IHT would need other taxes being increased. 'To be fair, the government has tried increasing taxes on families and taking benefits off the elderly so it's a possibility,' he said.

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

Driving theory test to include questions on migrants, diet and tax

The government has just announced that the theory test will soon include questions about CPR. This is because motorists are 'often first on the scene' where CPR is needed.

Following similar logic, the government is planning to use the test questions to further its agenda in other areas too.

A spokesman said, 'Drivers may not be getting enough exercise, so it's reasonable to add questions about the effects of too much sitting down and not enough active travel. If they didn't get properly brainwashed about this at school, then the theory test gives us a second go.

'Drivers in France may be approached by people trying to get into Britain illegally, so that's another area that we can cover.

'And motorists need to understand that their car tax and fuel duty and road tolls are needed to pay the interest on government debt. It's not there to pay for roads or anything like that. And the national curriculum doesn't even start on tax. So we need to cover that too.

'In future the test may also feature questions about the law on freedom of speech, how to give money to political parties legally, and the offside rule.'

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Quintuple A Stars for Quentins and Tarquins everywhere

The wealthy parents of privileged children have been posting insufferable guff on Instagram as A level results are published in England, #deserved #blessed

Many of the schools that those children were sent to have annual fees in the tens of thousands of pounds - thus, for tax purposes, these schools pretend to be charities. Meanwhile, children from underprivileged backgrounds who achieve even better results can look forward to being unable to afford the cost of university.

Tabloid photo editors confirmed that they were only looking for 'posh leggy blondes, either jumping or hugging', for their front pages, with one hack noting 'some of those fine fillies can aspire to becoming the wives of the stockbrokers, management consultants and Tory MPs of the future. Huzzah! '

Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash