Man has nervous breakdown trying to open liquid hand wash

A man has been caught in a serious altercation with a liquid hand wash after repeatedly trying to turn the pump action cap to no avail. Mike, 42, spent three days solid attempting to twist the lid in the right direction. He reportedly pummeled the hand wash to ‘within an inch of its life’ before eventually collapsing in a heap on the bathroom floor having suffered a mental breakdown.

Mike is now being cared for in a secure facility. His partner, Kate, saw this coming for a long time: ‘If it hadn’t been the hand wash, it would have been the child-proof cap on the mouthwash or the allegedly ‘resealable’ pasta bags. Mike was constantly plagued by his inability to work basic packaging. He did his best, but unfortunately he suffered terribly with clumsy sausage fingers so it was only a matter of time before it pushed him over the edge.

The worst part is that he didn’t realise the hand wash was actually one of those refillable tubs so it didn’t have a pump action at all. He was trying to achieve the impossible. What an awful waste – it was the expensive stuff too’.

Only those that can’t afford to quarantine will have to quarantine

‘The exception is extremely limited,' a government spokesperson said. 'If you are a millionaire who can afford to fly first class to the UK, the costs of a five-star hotel to quarantine in and your own Covid tests, as well as be having enough in the bank not to worry about needing to get to work for ten days, then – and only then – you are welcome to enter the country without quarantining. Oh, or if you are football VIP then it is okay too.’

Multi-millionaire Rishi Sunak is said to have wholeheartedly backed the idea and said it will help everybody he could think of. ‘I can’t imagine not being able to afford these costs,’ he said.

Woman emigrates after waving at someone who was waving at someone behind her

A woman has been forced to leave the country after mistakenly waving at someone who was actually waving at the person behind her.

‘It all happened so fast’ explains a tearful Lucy ‘I was just making my way through the pub when I saw someone waving from the other side of the room. I thought it was my friend Jenny so I enthusiastically waved back. Then I realised I had made a terrible mistake. It wasn’t Jenny at all, it was just a woman with similar hair.’

‘Then everything happened in slow motion; I turned around to confirm what I already knew – the woman was actually waving at the person behind me. I tried to pass off my raised hand as a casual head scratch but it was pointless. The game was up and I had to face the truth – that I would have to live with the shame for the rest of my life.’

‘Later that night I booked myself on the next available flight out of the UK. I plan to travel to a remote convent, become a nun and never speak of that terrible day again.’

None of Lucy’s friends or family have heard from her since this time. They are desperate for her to get in touch, as it turns out the woman in the pub WAS waving at her after all. ‘Apparently they were at school together,’ explains Lucy’s friend Jenny ‘I would have thought Lucy would remember her, she has such distinctive, awful hair.’