top of page
Search

Police to be given powers to make up emergency laws on the fly

ree

The UK Government have confirmed that Police are to be given new powers to make up emergency laws on fly should situations require them.


“Too long have UK Law Enforcement had to suffer the indignity of constant scrutiny and retrospective analysis”, said Chief Constable Wonchingthorpe, head of the Police Union, “with these new powers we hope to set aside this culture of blame against our boys and girls in blue and enter a new era of trust and no further questioning.”


It is unclear the extent of these new powers but this could extend to many areas of life. For example, the Police can know stop and detain you for possessing, with intent to wear, bad trainers; distributing out of date memes; looking a bit rioty; tutting in a built up area; and unnecessary inflationary pricing of baked goods (sweet and savoury).


The powers are far reaching as our reporter found out by being arrested for having a sarcastic, moany tone of voice.




Confused journalists wake up in abandoned Conservative Conference

ree

A confused scene this morning, at the Conservative Conference, as a group of 25 or so journalists woke up to find the venue had been largely abandoned and they were the only ones left.


"It was weird", said Peter Bryant, a staffer for the Telegraph, "I was catching 40 winks during a Mel Stride thing and then I wake up to find everyone gone. It was like 28 days later. Only with old racists instead of zombies"


A decision was made on the Tuesday morning, due to the fact that no-one was really listening and most people were either hungover or asleep, that the conference might as well shut up shop and knock off early. Robert Jenrick summed it up, "Blah blah blah not enough white faces blah blah blah scrap the ECHR blah blah blah immigration is coming for your swans and conservatories. OK? Everyone get that? Great, see you next year, hopefully somewhere down south." He walked off stage to one person applauding which woke the press corp.


The confused journalists reverted to their survival instincts and made their way to the bar to find Kemi Badenoch talking sternly to a waiter who had asked her why she was in town.




Starmer 'forgot' he was supposed to be a cult leader

ree

'To be honest, he thought it was a typo originally, and therefore considered he was doing ok,' said a spokesman when asked why Labour hadn't followed the other parties down the cult route started by Johnson with his three word slogans and industrial scale grift.


'Wacky hairstyles can be a good sign of being a cult, look at Argentina's leader,' pointed out the spokesman.  'Wielding a chainsaw helps, too,' he added.


The main feature of cults is that they rarely exist if and when the leader of the cult is no longer available.


'Do you think "Your Party" will be around long if Jeremy Corbyn retires?  Or worse, gets a daytime TV slot presenting Ground Force?' asked a political expert with more than twenty followers on Twitter, also known as 'Why'.


'Will the Republicans continue if Trump loses his marbles?' he asked, putting a hand up to his ear.  'I might have to get back to you on that one,' he said.


'What chance of Reform continuing if Nigel Farage gets offered the multi-million evening talk show on Fox in the US?  Or someone finds out why he said the same things Nathan Gill said for the Russian's roubles, but only apparently for free?  Or if anyone goes remotely into that Clacton house purchase? Put it this way, insiders believe he's already bought shares in a sack making company, with sacks big enough for rats to fight in.  I'd suggest investing in popcorn manufacturing as well,' he added.


'And what about the Greens?  Zack Polanski is driving up the membership and is in touching distance of appearing on Laura Kuenssberg to be talked over.  If he decided to go back to hypnotising women to believe they can think their boobs bigger, where will the greens be?


'Ed Davey might be replaceable for the Lib Dems, but who wants to risk life and limb representing them?'


'So that only leaves Labour and as was pointed out, they forgot to elect a cult leader, which makes them a boring outlier in today's British politics and may condemn them to still being here in four years time,' said the expert.


'The Conservatives?  The people who replaced their cult leader with Truss, Sunak and now Badenoch?  Have you seen the party conference?  No, for them it was definitely a typo!'




bottom of page