'I'll hold your coat' Starmer tells bully boy Trump

'The UK's official foreign policy is for the Prime Minister to hold President Trump's coat and grin while he beats up all the smaller nations in the playground,' said a Downing Street spokes-toady.

'As well as that, he'll supply all that's left of Britain's armed forces - a rusty fleet auxiliary ship and a couple of Cessnas - to help Trump nab international shipping in the north Atlantic.

'All the while, we'll be pleading with Bully Boy Trump not to flick the ears of countries we like, such as Greenland, and plunder its natural resources.

'Not that Trump would take a blind bit of notice of us, given that natural resources mean money and money is the one thing Trump understands.

'Serving as sidekick to this nasty, vain, increasingly demented ignoramus is Britain's place in the modern world and Sir Keir is rightfully ashamed - I mean, proud - to have led us here.'

Image: WixAI

US Military prepared for 'lush, verdant fields' of Greenland

US Secretary of Defence Pete Hegseth today assured Americans that the military was ready and equipped to capture the rolling green hills of Greenland.

'Our proud fighting men have been supplied with the latest in mobile attack units, perfect for dealing with all the tall grass and small patches of mud that Greenland’s terrain can throw at us.' a spokesman in sandals and aa Hawaiian shirt told gathering reporters.

'We have made sure troops will be able to deal with any hay fever or small cuts caused by the lush verdant hills by issuing plasters and antihistamines as standard.' He added.

Hegseth went on to describe the army’s standard issue cargo shorts and sunglasses for combating the beating sun on Greenland’s idyllic ranges.

When asked if there would be any considerations of protecting the invading force from extreme cold in the depth of winter, the spokesman replied, 'No, you’re thinking of Iceland. Clue's in the name.'

Image: ToppGrafisk - Pixabay

Trump eager to take over running of Venezuela's dictatorship

'President Trump is really looking forward to misgoverning another country,' said a spokes-anschluss for the White House.

'Venezuela was already a cruel and repressive dictatorship run for the ruler's benefit, so in many ways his work there is done.

'All that remains is to rebrand the presidential palace as the 'Trump Caracas' and call the capital's grimmest shanty town 'Trump Favela', and then the President will lose interest and give up.

'But if that liberal snowflake opposition leader Maria Corina Machado ever dares return to Venezuela from Norway, he'll jail her for beating him to the Nobel Peace Prize and blame Obama.

'Why does Trump want to be the autocratic ruler of every country he can annex?' continued the spokes-camp guard, in answer to a question from Colditz News Network.

'We believe it's because he never had a train set as a kid and since then, he's wanted to be the Fat Controller of everything he can lay his tiny fingers on - women and countries.'

A statement from the nonsensically miffed Nicolas Maduro said 'I thought dictatorship and election-rigging, crude oil and cocaine were things Trump and I both loved. The ex-President of Honduras just got a pardon for the same thing that I'm clearly going to be Epstein-ed for. If Trump wanted a play date, why didn't he just ask.'

Image: Leonardo Guillen (@leoguillen) | Unsplash Photo Community