Farage wins top spot in the Guinness Book of Broken Records

'Every sodding Monday, Nigel Farage holds a press conference and every time he says the same sodding thing,' groaned a spokes-hack for Britain's political correspondents, emerging from the conference room with bleeding ears.

'It's always: Brexit hasn't been tried properly... Britain is broken... the BBC is woke... foreigners should be starved and deported. Then he goes and says it all again on GB News, for hours on end.

'We've heard it so often that we don't bother taking notes any more. We just drip hot wax onto our hands to try and keep awake.

'Having heard Farage utter his pisspoor collection of half-baked views for the 3,650th time in a year,' said a spokes-pint for Guinness Publishing, 'We had no hesitation in naming him the new world champion for sounding like a broken record.

'He eases out Margaret Thatcher, who held the spot for 23 years by screeching 'Rejoice! Rejoice!' throughout the Falklands War and the rest of the 1980s.'

The latest Reform UK press conference became slightly less tedious when the ghost of Lord Haw Haw appeared above Farage's head and said in a slurred voice: 'This is my beloved son, with whom I am well pleased'.'

Trump's Epstein defence: 'I blew Bill Clinton's sax'

US President Donald Trump is aiming to pick just one of the many responses to allegations regarding his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, and then attempt to stick with that. Here is a list of possible candidates:

- Bill Clinton has a big beautiful sax and Trump just had to put his not-weird-at-all lips on it... and blow. How's that for working across the aisle

- it’s all a hoax generated by Biden and Obama. Since their respective retirements, they have been busy writing the Epstein files and over 20,000 fake emails about him because they are nasty people

- Trump does not know anything about what’s in the Epstein files even though journalists told him how many times his name appears in them and his own staff were tasked with going through them in detail

- Trump is not in favour of the release of the remaining documents regarding Epstein’s conviction out of respect for the victims whose details should not be shared with the public. Including those victims who have already come forward to tell their stories, but they are all liars

- one victim of Epstein sex-trafficking said that she never saw Trump participate in any abuse before she committed suicide, so therefore it never happened despite countless others alleging it did

- Under questioning, Ghislaine Maxwell did not tell Trump’s Deputy Attorney General anything at all that could incriminate Trump so it must all have been a misunderstanding. Maxwell’s transfer to a low security institution where she’s been given a puppy while she prepares her petition for clemency is not relevant here

- Trump has had nothing to do with Epstein since the early 2000s and all the evidence that indicates that they were still besties at the time of Epstein’s conviction is fake

- There is no proof that Trump did anything wrong; the mountain of circumstantial evidence, the huge number of victim statements, the frequent attempts to cover up and prevent the release of the Epstein files, the inactivity on the election promises to ‘drain the swamp’ and all the other evidence means nothing

- These stories are just an attempt to distract the public from Trump’s wonderful achievements in stopping fictitious wars, blowing up Venezuelan drug smuggling fishing boats and bringing in trillions of dollars in tariffs passed on to US consumers

Image: Pvproductions Author Portfolio | Freepik

Chancellor refuses to rule out tax on pets

The Chancellor, Rachel Reeves (at the time of publication), is due to give her doom-laden budget speech at the end of the month. Journalists are desperately trying to prize information out of her about what will be in it.

Most news stories for the last month, and almost certainly for the next month, revolve around things that the Chancellor has neither ruled in, nor ruled out. As media editors demand more and more copy about budget speculation, the questions are becoming increasingly unhinged.

One media outlet suggested that the government might reintroduce a pet licence costing £20 per cat and £50 per dog. The differential charge is because cats are better at covering it up, whereas dogs incur higher street cleaning costs. This tax would have raised almost one billion pounds. The Chancellor, however, refused to confirm or deny.

Also in limbo are suggestions about reinstating George Osborne’s pasty tax and caravan tax. A tax on tarmacked over driveways – because they increase rain water run-off – cannot be confirmed or denied.

Experts say that a tax on aeroplane meals is 'pie in the sky' and also say that it’s highly unlikely that the Chancellor would impose a tax on hens’ teeth. A tax on anchovies would be hard to collect and would be in bad taste. A proposed increase in gambling tax is described as 'pure speculation' and 25-1 against.

The experts also say that a penguin tax would raise very little money in the UK, unless the Chancellor decides to target the biscuits (or are they cakes?) formerly made of chocolate.

So there you have it. The complete absence of solid facts. And lots of ill-informed speculation. But plenty of copy.

If you have any mad ideas about taxing something stupid, saucy, or outrageous, please send us a message, and we’ll write it up for tomorrow’s paper.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive