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Jeremy Clarkson has Diddly Squatters



Jeremy Clarkson, star of Top Gear, issued a statement saying that he will resist any attempt to squat on his farm.


After Gordon Ramsey's £13 million pub-restaurant in London was occupied by squatters, attention turned to a lambing shed on Clarkson's Diddly Squat Farm, which he was hoping to turn in to a restaurant.


Jeremy Clarkson's restaurant was refused planning permission by the local council, and shortly afterward squatters moved in.


'The farm's name is not an invitation' said Clarkson.


'He's welcome to come and discuss it over a spliff' said one of the squatters. 'We've got some top gear'




Rupert Murdoch gives Hugh Grant a huge amount of money "because of Wonka"



Kind hearted philanthropist, Rupert Murdoch, has decided to give Hugh Grant a huge amount of money.


When asked if this had any relationship to the privacy case brought by Mr Grant, "Uncle" Rupert explained that "Obviously, my company is entirely innocent of that, I just enjoyed Mr Grant's Oompa Loompa performance so much that I thought I'd show my appreciation. In a hugely expensive way."


Hollywood insiders have suggested that Hugh Grant is considering a sequel to the Wonka film, provisionally titled 'Wonga'


H/T to Deskpilot





Dyson reinvents the hammer



Not content charging the gormless well north of £300 pounds for a hairdryer, and almost £500 for hair straighteners, top inventor, James Dyson, has turned his attention to zooshing up the common or garden everyday home toolbox hammer.


The Dyson Hero Hammer, comprising a length of wood with a steel bit at one end hits the shelves for the tidy sum of £630 in June, with many retail analysts predicting brisk business.


One such expert, Jane Norwich told us: 'Basically, this is PT Barnum marketing strategy. We can all buy a hammer in B&Q for ten quid, but we can't buy a grossly overpriced one with the name Dyson on it. The exclusivity value appeals to wealthy and delusional. The type who queue up overnight at The Apple Store nearly every year to be rinsed over and over again.'


But shifty gold chain wearing building contractor and self-confessed brand nut, Barry Shite, from Billericay enthused. 'I need to get me one of them bad boys. It's a Dyson, ain't it, so it's gotta be the dog's nuts. The aerodynamics what's in it and all the other fancy stuff means them nails won't stand a chance. Brilliant.'


Mr Dyson wasn't available for comment but a spokesperson for the passionate Brexit Backing British Boffin  said: 'He's actually currently in our Singapore HQ, counting all his money.'


Image: Lockjaw




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