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China forced to take over UK Post Office



Fake Chinese stamps have become the latest in a long line of recent Post Office successes, after the wrongful prosecutions based on software that was known to be faulty, corporate cover-up of the same and the defection of Postman Pat to the private sector.


Working in the dehumanising environs of an Amazon warehouse is now deemed a more attractive prospect, despite Running Man style electrical collars that punish workers deemed to be in the toilet or have otherwise reduced their productivity or be considering unionising.


A UK government statement said 'Posting something second class is now saying that you want the contents to be destroyed. Listen, if the Chinese Government want to start getting involved in our postal service, they're more than welcome. They touched it last. No takesy backsies.'





Bus driver from Ipswich proposes new elemental particle



Inspired by the example of Peter Higgs, the recently deceased physicist who won the Nobel Prize for proposing the existence of the Higgs Boson, a bus driver from Ipswich has announced that he too has discovered an elemental particle.


Colin Sawdust said that he became interested in Higgs when reading about him in a copy of the Readers Digest someone left on his bus. ”At first, I thought it was very suspicious that the particle he discovered had the same name as him. Then I realised that was incredibly stupid of me.


“But as I read on, I became fascinated by the fact that they didn’t even prove the Higgs Boson existed until 2012, by which time he’d already been given the Nobel Prize just for suggesting it. ”With this in mind, I’d like to propose the existence of the Sawdust Boson. But I should warn you, it’s really small. I mean, if you thought the Higgs Boson was small, this is really tiny even compared to that. So don’t worry if you don’t manage to find any evidence of it for the next few decades.”


On learning that the Higgs Boson is responsible for particles having mass, he suggested the Sawdust one might contribute “Er… smell, maybe?” He added that the Nobel Prize committee could send the prize to his home address “or to the bus depot, where they’ll look after it for me if I’m out on my route when it arrives.” He also said he’d be willing to collect it himself in Oslo, “only could it not be in July or August, as we’re always short-staffed then.”




The warmest month on record can be stopped by a longer Solar Eclipse



US scientists have just the plan: 'The trouble with a four-minute solar eclipse, is it's way too short. We need to permanently dial down God's thermostat. So we propose shifting the Moon into a regular blocking position or find the off-button for the Sun.


'We've had 10 record months of heat in a row, but that can all change if we find enough sticky tape to hold the Moon in place. Failing that, we'd need to make a 1,000-mile-wide Moon shape on a stick. A stick which would need to be 200,000 miles long. I suppose we could compromise on the stick if the person holding it had very long arms. But in practical terms, it's unrealistic to expect one person to hold that stick for that length of time. They would ache.


'So really we're back to the idea of extinguishing the Sun. The key is to lick your fingers and squeeze the Sun real quickly. We don't anticipate there being a downside to switching off the Sun's rays - other than the collapse of the sunglasses industry. Oh yeah, and all of you who invested in solar panels are going to look pretty stupid now.'





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