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Universities Pension Scheme to invest directly in shit



The Universities Superannuation Scheme (USS) manages the pension arrangements of around 400,000 university staff and it owns 20% of the shares in Thames Water.


Thames Water is ‘under financial stress’, which is insider speak for ‘basket case’. It has not paid a dividend since 2017 and is increasingly looking like a bad bet for pension fund money. The investment committee at USS admits that it has received generous dividends from the company in the past and that investing in water – an essential commodity – looked like a sure thing. They also admit that the shit has now hit the fan.


A spokesman said, ‘The company is supposed to deliver clean water and take away dirty water. How hard could that be? Very hard, apparently. 'Thames Water needs more money to keep going.  If they ask the existing shareholders for more cash, then they would all just fall about laughing.  Why would they throw good money after bad?  I don't see the Chinese, Arabian or Canadian investors falling for that.


‘The USS is also worried that the bad behaviour by Thames on sewage outflows, including poisoning the Oxford boat race crew, and shit on Britain's beaches, will bring the USS into disrepute. Accordingly, our advisors recommend selling the entire holding of Thames shares and investing the proceeds directly in shit. Shit is unlikely to pay big dividends, but then neither is Thames Water. At least the USS will have something tangible in return for its money.


‘We may not be able to pay full pensions to our members, but at least we can supply them with garden compost.’




Charity coffee shops send Big Coffee crying to mummy



The Good Coffee chain started small, inside a charity shop in Wigan. But it was so successful that it soon moved out into its own shop.  The chain expanded quickly and now has hundreds of branches all over the country.  All of the profits from Good Coffee go to charity and the staff are all volunteers, except for one paid manager.


Private sector coffee shops are now complaining about unfair competition. They say that charity coffee shops are undermining their businesses with lower prices, better service, better ethical practices, better recycling and better biscuits. They complain that their business idea (selling addictive stuff to addicts) has been ripped off and that their shareholders are suffering.


Good Coffee stands accused of undercutting its competitors because it uses volunteers and doesn’t pay its staff. In response, a spokesman said, ‘All the other chains just pay minimum wage, so they aren’t much better. No-one can live on minimum wage and the biscuit crumbs left at the end of the day.  Our volunteers have some principles, and are giving their time to support a range of charities.


‘Good Coffee shops raised over £2m last year for a variety of good causes – sick animals, sick humans, diseases, rescues, disasters, poverty – we even gave money to support Capitalism in Crisis.’


Lawyers doubt that Big Coffee (aka Grande Coffee and Vente Coffee) will be able to shut down the Good Coffee chain. They say that a precedent has already been set in the book trade, with many bookshops forced to close due to competition from charity book shops. Our legal expert told us, ‘There aren’t any good grounds for legal action. The case isn’t strong. No barista will want to take on this case.’



Should the Post Office have adhered to some sort of 'postal code'?



Although other organisations operating on behalf of the state are subject to the laws of the state, the Post Office is subject to its own specific set of laws. This begs the question whether oversight was an oversight, and in what kind of state is the state?


A senior Post Office manager without a leg left to stand on said, 'There is absolutely nothing to hide. The Post Office has been clear and open throughout, and if you don't believe me, just ask our Covert Team in Bracknell.


'Although, you can't actually ask them, of course. Partly because we've always wanted the Covert Team in Bracknell to remain covert, and partly because we openly called them covert. Which makes perfect nonsense, when you think about it.'


For the record, the senior manager was in post before the scandal, remained in post throughout the scandal, but will probably not be in post post-Post Office.




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